Duck, Duck, GooseSwan?
by pencilitout
Summary: She smelled the same as every other human and Edward could read her mind. But Bella Swan was definitely NOT like every other human. All she wanted to be was weird. And all he knew was that she was anything but normal.Crackfic/Parody
1. I Am a Chameleon

Just a nagging idea that would not go away after I read Nightlight. I am having fun with this one.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but awesomeness. And maybe an indirect need for some serious medication.

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He had a face.

That was the first defining characteristic that stood out to me when I met him. Then, being the genius that I am, I made some more astounding observations.

He had arms and legs, a torso, hair, feet, hands. He had a body, and he may or may not have had a mind. I couldn't really see it so I was just inferring at that point.

So, all in all, he was rather exceptional. I mean, how many people do you know that have all functioning body parts in perfect order? He was a normal human being which, in and of itself, was rather unusual. Who these days can be considered normal unless they are boring? And if one is considered boring then they can't be normal. They are boring.

And boring and normal happen to be two very different things.

But he was normal, at least I hoped so. Because I really did despise boring people. They were always the loudest snorers when others tried to sleep. This made them criminals in my mind seeing as they take away a basic function and need of all people. A need as needful as…breathing. So boring people are usually loud snorers, and loud snorers are very much like murderers (of sleep, of course) and so they should all be arrested.

But he didn't look very much like a loud snorer, either. Nope, he looked more like a person who slept by himself. And considering that he had all the right limbs in the right place, that was a surprising fact. What female wouldn't want to sleep near him? I mean, he had a lot more genetically appealing potential than those who were legless or bald. Which, sadly, was a very prominent disease in the human population. Balding, that is.

Shudder. Imagine having no hair! I would die without my long locks.

But anyways, back to the point.

So the very normal looking boy was probably not that normal. He was probably weird. Kind of like the rest of us. It's the normal ones that stick out. And he was unique, too. Just like everyone else. Well, at least he fit in with the crowd. I sighed. How I so longed to fit in with the crowd. But I wasn't weird or unique; I was normal and just like everyone else so I stuck out.

Darn my sameness which makes me not the same. It sucks to be me.

I have yellow eyes and blue hair. No, I'm just kidding. That would make me weird and I'm so normal I'm just another brand of jeans. Like elastic, I stretch to fit around even the biggest of waists. But my buttons never pop and my zipper always zips, because my duty in life is to perform perfectly whatever job I have been given. And so, I will perfectly perform my current job of checking out the Cullen kid.

"So, Bella, what do you think?" Hmm, what _do _I think?

"Well, I think of many things. Like, about colors and shapes and who took the cookies from the cookie jar." That always did astound me. I mean, who could have done something so atrocious? And why oh why did they never confess? Bastard left me hanging.

"No, Bella," Jessica sighed exasperatedly, "what do you think of the Cullen kid?" Well I think that he is fairly attractive. And weird. I mean, look at that penny colored hair! And those pretty golden eyes! And that aquiline nose! And all those other traits, like tallness, which I had never possessed!

"I think he's weird," I smiled at Jessica. In an approving sort of way.

"Really?" she asked, "Well then he's a good kind of weird," she giggled, "I think he looks _tasty_…" she licked her lips as I pursed mine. How many times would I have to go over the horrors of cannibalism with this girl? She needed to see the lollipop man so he could tell her whether or not something should be eaten. She was always saying how people were delicious, or lickable. Or in this case tasty. Her most used sentence had to be 'I could eat him right up' and it was always boys she was talking about eating_._ Why would you eat a boy? I would rather hold his hand.

She was a weird one, alright. Sigh, that lucky girl with her cannibalistic tendencies.

Why did I have to have a normal diet?

"Jessica, boys are for-"

"-kissing not eating, I know Bella. It's just an expression." I frowned at her again. It is not just like a smiley face or a constipated look one gets when constipated! Constantly fantasizing about consuming other human beings is a very real and very Jessica problem!

And I'd tell her to get it fixed but then she'd be all boring. And snoring. And I hate boring snoring people, as I hope I have mentioned before.

"Although," she smiled at him devilishly, "I wouldn't mind kissing him either." I shook my head at her as she attempted to fold her miniscule arms. Jessica had very tiny arms, and a very big head. Somewhat like Tyrannosaurus-Rex; maybe she was a descendant?

That would make more sense than the whole "birds come from dinosaurs" theory which is so not true. Dinosaurs couldn't sing and they didn't have feathers and they didn't wake up until noon to drink their dinosaur coffee. And birds are annoying and sing and wake up at like, five am, to drink each other's urine or whatever it is.

The early bird gets the feces first. Or is it the worm who wakes first eats the bird who sleeps last? Uh, I have such a bad memory.

I turned to Jessica, ready to tell her about how goldfish and I must have come from the same genetic pool because of our short memory span (which may be true seeing as I strongly suspected that those things we call ears are actually fins and mine are an unsightly orange) when I noticed the weird but normal Cullen boy looking at me with alarm.

I blushed. And then I blanched. Then for the heck of it I thought of Mike Newton which turned me green and then I held my breath till I turned blue. Then I ate enough pineapple to give my pasty paste skin a yellowish color. I always had fun changing colors, seeing as I was so pale, brown, and all around normal. I only got purple when I was really mad, and that was the only color missing at the moment so I took in some oxygen before I passed out and turned super white again. I hated passing out; it was a lot like sleeping. And I didn't like sleeping.

Being awake was the only way to learn how to be weird. And I talked in my sleep. Which I hear is very common.

Once again, damn it all to heaven. Not hell. I would NEVER try to send anything to hell.

Hmm, angels. Angels live in heaven… Cullen looks like an angel. Wait, oh yeah. He was looking at me again. I smiled at him and twittered my fingers so they looked like they were spazzing out. I hear it's the new way of greeting spazzes. But wait, he's not a spaz, is he? Oh, if he were a spaz he'd be perfect! Just absolutely, positively per-

In the middle of my perfectly perfect description of his perfect ness my fingers decided they were tired of twitching and decided they were going to hit me in the face. I hate my fingers. They never listen to me.

So I looked embarrassedly at Cullen while internally scolding the rudeness of my appendages when I managed to trip. Well, maybe trip isn't the correct word to use, seeing as I was already sitting down, but one moment I was there on a bench in the cafeteria with Jessica salivating over the prospect of consuming Cullen and the next I was on the floor. I crawled piteously, waiting for someone to notice,_ take_ pity, and pick me up. But nobody did. So I stood up, brushed myself off, and took a step forward. And in a move almost exceedingly graceful for me, I managed to slip on a discarded straw (LITTER. THESE CRETINS SHOW NO RESPECT FOR STRAWS) and do a frontflip into the garbage can. Which garnered me some attention.

I stood to the laughing of my fellow students and bowed.

_Don't clap too loud please. We are in a private setting after all._

I smiled, waiting for one of those spotlights from all the movies I've seen from the Disney Channel to shine down on me so I could sing something heartwarming and beautiful, which would go wonderfully with my acrobatic performance. But just as I was getting ready for the opening lines (which went something like: _I like big butts and I cannot lie…) _and still waiting for my spotlight (stupid Eric Yorkie, he was so bad at his job as school geek) when I heard a throat clearing. I looked up, fluttering my eyelashes madly in an attractive way, to see Edward Cullen standing before me, with a baffled look on his face.

"Do you have something in your eye?" he asked, raising one of his bushy brows. I blinked rapidly so that it seemed to raise frame…by frame…by frame.

I wanted to comb it.

"Nope. But I do have tiny bacteria in my eyelashes, just like most humans. So I'm blinking really fast in an effort to shake them off." I blinked faster, destroying the mutant slugs.

_DIE EARTHLING MUTANTS. DIE._

I giggled. Giggling was a sure way to scare off eyelash slugs.

Edward stared at me.

"Uhm…" Ooooo! Uhm! My favorite word! I made it my duty in life to hug anyone who said the word "uhm" because it usually meant they didn't know what to say and hugging effectively saved them. Because a hug is worth a thousand words.

"I think you mean a picture." Edward grinned at me. Then his grin dropped as I tackled him.

"What about a picture?" he mightn't have heard me though, seeing as I was smashed to his chest. It was a very nice smelling chest, too. Like candy.

Maybe Jessica wasn't very off in her wanting to bite him.

"You wouldn't mind, uh, getting off of me would you?" I smiled at his chest and stood up. Edward helped himself up and stared at me again. Then I realized something.

"You have a very silent chest." No heartbeat, was what I meant to say.

His eyes got really wide, like saucers. Like, no kidding, I could probably eat my favorite dish of brussel sprouts off of his eyes they were so big.

"It's okay, I get it. You're heart is very shy. Mine too." I put my hand to my stomach and started breathing reallllly fast to increase my pulse.

"I never hear my heart either, even when I place my hand right over it." I motioned to my bellybutton. I'm pretty sure that's where my heart was. Seeing as I had such an intense love for food. And I was still pretty darn skinny.

I love my heart and my heart loves me.

Edward stared at me for longer. Then he snorted. It was very pig-like.

"Oh I can do a great imitation of a goat!" I pulled my breath in, ready for a real big bleat when Edward put one hand over my mouth. He had a very cold hand.

"You like ice cubes huh? Me too! That's why_ I_ have very cold hands." I put one of them to his face and he grinned at me. Probably because I'd just said the equivalent of "ya lakdidaflahuh? Mashooaeey colhanz." Gibberish, to be exact.

I licked his hand experimentally, trying out Jessica's theory. He didn't taste that bad.

Edward pulled his hand away and wiped it off on his t-shirt.

He'd probably never wash it again. I mean, who wouldn't want my saliva all over them?

"Okay the bell's going to ring in like two minutes, so I need to go," Edward nodded at me, turned, and sprinted away. Hmph, nobody likes a show off. Just because he could run without gravity giving him a great big shove to my best friend the floor…

What can I say? I was so attractive that the ground coerced gravity into getting me closer to it every time I took a step. I tentatively took a little teensy weensy step forward and…

Voila! I made it! I hopped up in excitement but forgot that I was supposed to land standing upright so I ended up on my knees. And I was too lazy to get back up, so I sat down. So there I was sitting by the trash can, singing lullabies to the flies and their newly hatched maggot eggs, when the shrill bell cut me off.

Oh well, time to go to class.

So I crawled all the way to biology, humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. And when I got to the door I stood, because walking through the door was the best way to make an impression.

And I saw Cullen sitting at _my _table. How dare he take the seat that was meant for my imaginary friend, Charles Siphon Ingrid Mitchel Freudly II (Charles Siphon Ingrid Mitchel Freudly I had died a premature death when I accidentally sat on him last month) and I was so very glad that Charles II was sitting at my house with a very bad case of the blue balls ( he had blue tennis balls stuck in his nose) because big fat Edward Cullen would've squashed him!

I was so angry that I turned purple.

Yay! That was all the colors in one day: white, orange (ears), red, yellow, green, blue, and now purple! I could so totally be a chameleon. And then I'd be, like, invisible! Like Lindsey Lohan! I stood very still in front of the green chalkboard and looked over at Mike Newton, who was in full leering sleaziness today. I could definitely feel myself turning green. But he still gave me one of his slimy smiles so I knew I was seen.

Ah, the misfortunes of being so normal were that I seemed to attract boring and snoring guys. Like The Newt for example. I figured he should go for a tadpole or salamander, not a chameleon like me. But nooooo, that was just not acceptable.

So I scurried to my seat next to Cullen and sat in my seat which was meant for sitting in. I swung my legs back and forth, imagining I was on a swingset to distract me from the delicious aroma of all the bleach and Clorox wipes in the room. They made me high when I sniffed them for too long.

"Not like she isn't already high…" I could swear Edward mumbled. I huffed in his direction, sat up promptly, and postured like a lady.

Then I promptly went tumbling back off my chair to the floor, which was intent on giving me a hug. My head hit it hard (stupid floor was aggressively friendly) and I saw the black consume.

_Damn it all to heaven, great. I'm passing out. Which means I'm gonna start sleep talking. Oh please, please, please let me talk about rainbows and unicorns this time. I want to look like an intellectual._

But alas, my dreams were of flying cabbages and pinwheels.

Nothing ever goes my way.

* * *

Short, and hopefully, it seems like I wrote this while in a Bella state of mind.

Review if you laughed and or were baffled by what you read.


	2. Of Cabbages and Kings

When I get bored I write this kind of shit. I hope it amuses you.

Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own. Hope. You. Comprehend.

* * *

"_Listen young one,"_

_I watched in fascination as the green cabbage before me rose slowly to hover at nose level and then grew a face. He (or she) grinned at me and yawned so very slowly._

_I yawned too. Which caused the flying cabbage to yawn again which caused me to yawn again which caused-_

"_Stop!" the cabbage squeaked out commandingly. It cleared its throat (if it even had a throat) and began to speak again. It opened its mouth wide for the first words and then exhaled. Without saying anything._

"_Sorry, I'm nervous. I never really don't do things like this, its usually more up to the, well, the higher-ups." It grinned sheepishly. A sheepish cabbage. Lovely._

_I cocked my head to the side and imagined it in a wooly sweater with little lamb ears._

"_Baaa!" the cabbage croaked. Suddenly it had little lamb ears and a wooly sweater. It was quite cute, actually. And then, for some reason, I was imagining it with a pinwheel and then it had a pinwheel and I was laughing my ass off because why wouldn't I? It was a cabbage that looked like a sheep with a pinwheel._

_The cabbage wasn't quite as gleeful as I though._

"_What the hell? Can't you imagine me in something cooler?" I thought about that. And then I thought about the cabbage as a cool fighting cabbage. With black shades and a gun._

_*Poof*_

_Cabbage in Black: Attack of the Humans. _

_I giggled._

"_Much better," the cabbage said approvingly, admiring its gun and glasses. Then an evil smile made its way onto its green face._

"_I don't need to deal with you, I can just kill you and be over with it all!" It cackled madly and pointed the gun at my head. Then it pulled the trigger._

_A bunch of water squirted out and hit me square in the face like it was some kind of mutant squid. I really like words that begin in "sq". I giggled at the cabbage as it stared forlornly at the water gun._

"_So, disregarding the fact that you tried to kill me, what's your name?" the cabbage stared at me blankly._

"_Cabbage." It said finally._

"_Oh, well that is a very…nice…name. Cabbage, that is."_

"_No, not really."_

"_It's unique though."_

"_Yeah I guess I've never met anyone else named Cabbage before."_

"_Yeah. A unique name is a good sign that you have individuality! Plus your name is weird. I wish I had a weird name."_

"_No you really don't, trust me."_

"_Why should I? You just tried to kill me."_

"_True."_

"_Yeah."_

_There were a few beats of silence._

"_So…" I said, "what are the 'higher ups'?" Cabbage grimaced._

"_The fruits," it scoffed, "they think they're so much cooler than us vegetables. Just because people don't usually like to eat us… But oh well, there are more of us anyway! I mean, who would _want _to be eaten? But no. Nobody can see it the way I do. Even stinking Tomato, stupid traitor…'everybody knows Tomato is a fruit!' …stupid, gold-digging, money-grubbing heap of shame. Just because HE has seeds…hmph, thinks he's special…" I waited patiently for Cabbage to finish letting off steam._

"_Venting is healthy for the complexion. And you're looking quite green." Cabbage took a big breath and let itself relax._

"_So is there a reason as to why you are here?" Cabbage looked at me strangely, like it was contemplating something. Although I've no idea what cabbages comprehend on a daily basis._

"_Of course, I have some warnings to deliver to you." I waited._

_And waited._

"_Uhmm…" Cabbage started. It had obviously dozed off._

"_Late night?" I asked sympathetically, it nodded. Which meant that its whole round body bounced up and down. _

"_Okay," Cabbage said, "these are my words of warning."_

_Then it began to sing. Terribly._

"_The pussycat with the earwax eyes_

_A fairy with sparkling wings_

_A Yeti in the snow_

_A flaming Ice Queen_

_A scarred and Southern Someone_

_A kindhearted healer_

_A woman shining subtly_

_A new day somewhat bloodier_

_In your future I see_

_A mysterious mystery!"_

_Cabbage attempted to bow, but seeing as it was only one body part, well…_

"_Okay time to wake up!" It yelled cheerily. Then it slowly sank to the floor and melted away into oblivion._

"Tomato is not a fruit!" I screeched.

Edward was staring at me like I had Alzheimer's. Or Schizophrenia. Or some kind of mental illness.

Which I am positively positive that I may or may not have. That's definite, definitely.

"And here we go again…" he muttered.

"What, like on a merry go round?" I was always curious why they were called "merry" when in all reality it was not "merry" it was "scary" and "dizzying" and hellish" in actuality.

Not merry.

Edward's mouth was kind of twitching spastically. Was he having a seizure? Oh, wait, no. He was smiling.

It was a very pretty smile.

"You should smile more often," I smiled at him in example, baring my teeth to make it less threatening. I started growling then, I hear that's a good way to make friends. Growling, that is.

Edward just stared. Again.

"Oh! The cat has your tongue!" So that's why he always stared at me so much without talking. Or maybe he thought I was attractive. Or weird. I hear that weird people get stared at a lot.

"Do you think I'm weird?" It was off topic but I was going for a casual conversation anyway.

"Um, I guess so…" HE THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD! Edward thinks I'm weird! I growled happily and reached up to pat his head, in an affectionate sort of way. But he was so darn tall and I wasn't exactly that gifted in the height department so I had to stand on the chair and then it was all good. But I may have accidentally fallen forward while that was happening, because I felt the need to uphold the stereotype of being a Klutzella, and ended up smashing my boobs in his face.

"Fiddlesticks! Oh my goshness, I am so sorry," Edward mumbled something while pushing me off him and putting me gently on the floor. His hands on my waist felt…nice.

I blushed like a tomato (not the fruit), because I needed to uphold my other stereotype of being a blusher. So blush I did.

Edward looked like he was almost blushing too, blushing white. Because he was so pale, and so very marble-y. Like marble, ya know? But I wanted to get off the topic because he was a teenage boy and teenage boys think about boobs and then, well, _then_ things happen.

Edward's eyes turned into dinner plates, and he gaped like a fishy fish-fish.

"So. String theory. Bullshit, right?" He was still gaping, not even attempting to participate in my attempt at casual conversation. How rude.

I huffed at him and raised both my eyebrows, because I wasn't able to raise one by itself. Which ticked me off slightly because everybody ELSE seemed able to do it and they looked really cool while doing it too but I was never able to and uh! It was just frustrating. Sometimes I even wished I had a mono-brow so that I would only have to raise one eyebrow in general anyway, but then I remembered what Jessica looked like before she discovered tweezers and it was just-no, no, no, no, _no. Not _a good look. Not at all.

Facial hair freaked me out.

Another cool thing about Edward; he didn't have any. Not even one chinny-chin-chin hair like the piggies in the straw, stick, and brick houses did. But Edward looked more like the Big Bad Wolf which was actually rather attractive in a way, but whatever back to the subject.

And the fact that Edward's eyes had surpassed dinner plate, preferring to move on to saucepan at this point.

"Close your mouth. You don't want any mutant, antibiotic- resisting bacteria to infest it." I grabbed firm hold of his annoyingly perfect chin and shut it. Meet me, Bella Swan: future advice giver and health specialist.

"You-you are just so…so…_odd_" he stated. I felt myself tearing up.

He looked worried.

"I didn't mean to offen-" I ran at him and hugged him hard, tears now streaming down my puffy face.

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!" I wailed. He patted my back awkwardly. _Pat…pat, pat. Squirm._

"You're welcome?" I sobbed harder.

I pulled away, wiping my runny nose on one of Mrs. Cope's discarded tampons. Always better than a tissue. Tissues are wimps.

"So, um, I'll just be going now…" Edward backed away fastish and left the room. I hummed the theme song to that really funny show called Office The or something similar. I popped my ears a few times in boredom and then the popping of the ears became picking of the ears and I got a big load of lovely goldish earwax which reminded me of Edward's pretty eyes.

_The pussycat with the earwax eyes…_

**Shut up Goose. Swan's in charge of this brain, she doesn't enjoy listening to her subconscious.**

Yeah so my subconscious brain was named Goose. You got a problem with that?

I thought of Edward again. And I attempted to swoon like a love sick preteen but I was neither love sick (I only had a teensy bit of an infatuation with him, minor) nor a preteen (I was a full teenager, sadly) so it failed. And I ended up on the floor again.

"You always make sure I get a nice hard landing," I patted the ground affectionately, thinking of the pretty black and blue bruises all over my butt and hips and legs. Kinds of like stars in the sky, except stars were white and the sky was black-blue whereas my skin was white and the bruises were black-blue. Oh well, it was a contradiction. Or a conundrum. Or something that was confusing and started with the letters "c" and "o".

Like Cortney. What a beautiful name. I like the name Cortney. It implied vivaciousness and weird and beautiful and smart and everything that I am and will always be.

Well, maybe not weird. Like I've mentioned, I'm sickeningly normal. Although Edward didn't seem to think so.

_Edward…_

**Deadward…**

_Edweird…_

_**Bedward…Edella…**_

_Shut up Duck!_

**Yeah Duck, listen to Goose. **

_**Whatever Swan, stop denying the fact that both you and Goose agree with the fact that our Bella is in love with Edward Cullen! Which is why I was combining their names!**_

**Duck!**

_Shut up! She's not supposed to know that yet!_

"Oh crap. Quiet guys! Leave me in denial!" I opened my eyes cautiously to see Mrs. Cope staring at me strangely.

"Alright dear?" She seemed concerned.

I nodded and then I turned and ran out of the office. There was a bathroom a hall over so I hid in there. And I blocked out my inner muses.

Duck, Goose, and Swan. Those mental bastards, playing with my mind.

I couldn't be in love with Edward because of three things I was sure:

One, love is _complete _obsession. I'm only at _partial_ right now.

Two, couples cuddle and he feels like a stone wall. My boobs would know. And I don't like cuddling with stone walls, even if they do smell and look particularly good.

Three, Edward is very bad at casual conversation and he excels in staring. He doesn't even blink. How could I ever love someone who didn't blink? I _love _blinking! Preferably excessively!

But my brain(s) weren't exactly convinced.

And in the end, neither was I.

"_Is_ the tomato a fruit?"

**I wouldn't know.**

_Ask Duck._

_**Nope, it's not. It's not a vegetable either. It's an invertebrate. Huge difference.**_

Well at least I got_ that_ question out of the way.

* * *

Bella looked up, suddenly realizing that she was in a box. A big white box with a window for a roof. And a bunch of laughing people seemed to be looking through the window...at _her._ So, being the attention hog that she was, she posed and postured and flounced until they all laughed harder and the really nice ones dropped little notes through the glass window that said things like "so funny," and "great performance. She couldn't for the ridiculous life of her seem to comprehend why they said it but she didn't mind. It was a compliment all the same.

And then she learned that these magical, self esteem boosting, ego feeding notes were called _reviews._ What a beautiful concept! What a wonderful word! It rolled off her tongue like a dead bee dripping honey and she savored it. But not everybody reviewed, so Bella had to resort to bribing them with things like chocolate (which is irresistable) and monopoly money (which is mesmerizingly colorful). And when bribes didn't work, she ended up threatening. She threw little balls of un originality and longer periods of rest between updates and less jokes until the people agreed to review more. And when she got what she wanted, everything was good again and Bella collected her prized reviews, saving them for the day when she would have to convince Edward that people thought she was awesome. It was a great way to spend each chapter of her life, until her prince Edward came to ride her home to their magical portable potty home, which was the only thing she could afford to live in at the moment. Besides her box.

So she waited for Edward, collecting her reviews. And she waited.

And waited.

He was running late, the bastard. But he was on his way.

And her fatal addiction to reviews became stronger until she was a review junkie. And if you don't give her more she'll go into withdrawal.

And we wouldn't want that to happen. So review, please. It's to support the greater cause, she swears.

(As she drools and her eyes roll around also has a syringe in her arm which seems to be stuffed full of paper.)

But don't let her image fool you! She is perfectly and healthily addicted to a strange substance.

Hahah I love you guys. And so does Bella. Especially when she gets her fix.

**Bold is Swan**

_Italics are Goose_

_**Bold Italics are Duck**_


	3. Birth of Bertha

Disclaimer: I own nothing but insanity.

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I crept slowly through the halls, waiting, waiting, waiting to pounce. I was almost there, in position, ready to tackle my biggest adversary. And then it happened.

The bell rang.

"Ahhhh!" I sprang from the shadows and ran at the defiant locker. I kicked it once, twice, three times and it opened.

"Hah, I win again." Still smirking, I grabbed my compact mirror that I used to see around corners in case there was a basilisk lying in wait (but no luck yet; pity, Newt would look much prettier dead or petrified) and my magical tube of cherry flavored purple goo lip gloss. I didn't wear makeup of course, I ate it. But only the cherry flavored lip gloss and the super duper red blush. It tasted like powdered essence of brussel sprouts. My favorite.

People stared at me like I was freakishly unextraordinary. Or freakishly pale, which seemed to be my only unique trait. Ahh, the woes of being just the same old same old.

"Bella," I heard the slimy voice slowly drip sown the hallway towards me. Newt. Ew.

"Oh, Bella" I was waiting for the 'you can run but you can't hide, I'll hump your leg either way' part when I was pulled securely into a dark classroom. The hand pulling me was also freakishly pale. For a moment I thought, joyously, that it was Edward, but then found to my great disappointment that the Tooth Fairy had apprehended me.

"I left a real tooth under my pillow last time, I swear." She gazed at me queerly. Haha, queerly. What a great term.

"That's just great. Okay, back to the point-"

"There's a point? I thought you had to initiate a conversation for a point to be born."

"Wait what do you mean, _born_? Points aren't born, they're-"

"Scored."

"Well, I was going to say made but that works too I guess."

"Yeah so let's score a point. I'll throw the paper, you hold the trashcan." Tooth fairy went to grab the trash can before stopping abruptly and turning to me.

"You distracted me!" She accused. She tried wagging her finger in my face but she ended up poking me between the eyes instead. Follow the finger, follow the finger, follow the finger…

"It wasn't that hard," I slowly became cross eyed.

"I've always wanted to do that!" She pointed frantically at my crossed eyes. I watched as she jabbed- cross, uncross, cross, uncross...

"What the flipping mule tail do you want?" I growled angrily this time; she was giving me a headache.

"Um…" she tapped her chin thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah! Purple is a color like falling, and if you see a blade of grass in a pond of goo, run the other way. Earwax is not good for your health." She smiled, her super white teeth flashing in the dark (well she IS the Tooth Fairy) and then she bounded out the door, leaving me to ponder her very sensible warnings.

"We never got to score points with the trashcan," I mumbled to the empty room. I could feel the pout on my face like it was a disease. But then the bell was ringing and I felt so much better, because I felt like today had been especially boring and Newt was still prowling around somewhere, looking for me.

Newt. Ew.

So I raced out of the classroom as quietly and gracefully as a newborn colt learning to walk (I might have knocked a few people over but that was irrelevant).

"SPAZ!" One girl screamed angrily after I managed to run into her and trip over the fingernail she chipped _when_ I ran into her.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAME?" I yelled back at her as I kept stumbling to my beautiful truck. Isabella Spaz Swan. It was on my birth certificate, right along with the big fat M under gender for "Magnificent".

I got to my car and ambled gracefully in. I started the engine, watching adoringly as it sputtered to life.

"WHHHHEEEEZZZEEEE…COUGH, COUGH. BLECH" My beautiful red truck sang harmoniously. The symphony it created brought tears of pleasure to my eyes; oh, to be so lucky as to have a musically inclined car!

"Chugga-Chugga-Choo-choo!" Fist pump and off we were. Me and my truck, which was named Cliché, as it was such a charming name. Meet my big, red, old, rusty truck, Cliché. Gorgeous, ain't it? (I'm inserting a smiley face here)

So off we ambled, swerving to and fro across the road. I amused myself by driving in the wrong lane at drivers, like a bumper car, and then switching into the right lane at the last second. Their terrorized expressions gave my laugh a somewhat evil quality.

"Mwahahahaha!" Evil laugh= epic.

I managed to get home in one piece and pulled up onto the grass, ignoring the driveway. I always fell out of my car (because it was a lot more fun) and the grass was way comfier than the cement driveway. I parked right next to my favorite tree, Tresa. She always stood so tall and spiky, at about four foot three inches. My dad kept telling me she was an overgrown weed and continued threatening to chop her down, but I wouldn't let him. Poor Tresa was a tree, not a weed. She was just a very stingy, green, scraggly, overgrown (or under grown) tree. Dad called her a nettle. But, as with most things, he just hadn't opened up his mind to the reality of the situation. The reality being that she was a tree.

So I tumbled out of my car, rolled to a stop in front of Tresa, and I was just about to give her an air hug (because it did sting to touch her) when I saw something white and round at her base. I bent closer to pick it up and found, to my astonishment, an egg.

Tresa the tree had laid an egg!

It was a perfectly round egg, super duper white in color, and it had a bunch of little indentations. Pulling it closer, I was able to make out just the tiniest of tiny prints saying Wilson.

"I'll name you…Bertha! Wilson is reserved for Wilson the volleyball, sorry." Maybe it was a descendant? Which means Tresa must be a descendant of the legendary volleyball! I gave her another appreciative look; I shouldn't have been surprised that such greatness came from such awesomeness. It was perfectly sensible.

So, cradling Bertha, I decided to go inside and say hi to Charlie. So I went inside. And said hi to Charlie.

"Hi Charlie." His moustache twitched in greeting.

"Hi Bella. Anything interesting happen today?" He looked somewhat wary as he asked the question, though I couldn't fathom as to why.

"Yeah, Tresa gave birth to an egg! Her name's Bertha!" I held out the perfect sphere.

Charlie sighed.

"One, trees do not lay eggs. Two, Tresa is a weed, which I have told you time and again. Three, that's not an egg; that is a golf ball." No way. It's an egg.

"Yeah except for the fact that it's an egg." Silly Charlie. How can it be a golf ball if it's an egg? Charlie just sighed and shook his head again, muttering to himself.

"Hearing voices again?" I asked sympathetically. Charlie was constantly muttering to himself.

**Yeah, because you're not hearing voices either.**

_NOPE. Definitely not._

_***COUGH* Denial *CHOKE***_

"Shut up." I growled in response. Charlie gave me his patented "what is up with you" look. I stared serenely back, petting Bertha absentmindedly.

"I'll go make her a nest." Charlie rolled his eyes as I crawled up the steps, afraid to hurt my precious egg.

When I got to my room I got into action: sock, cut off some of my hair and stuff it in, feathers out of my pillow, string, some spit and grit. Not too many materials. But soon I had created a beautifully triangular nest (because circles are so last decade) and placed Bertha inside. I hummed quietly to her the "We're off to throw our babies off the cliffs" lullaby I'd learned when I went on a field trip to Greece last year. It was such a soothing song; soothing enough to calm plunging infants. I briefly remembered throwing the practice doll off the side of the building, because we couldn't find any cliffs, before I realized that the sun was still in the sky.

"Bedtime before nighttime," I cooed. Bertha hummed happily back in my imagination.

And as I drifted off to sleep on my comfy floor with the sunlight creating an angry red light behind my eyelids, I ambled past one little stray thought.

_Maybe Edward would like to watch Bertha hatch._

**You.**

_Are._

_**Soooo…**_

Screwed?

Yeah. I know.

* * *

Hahah, jkjk. I also own your soul :).

Review junkie says review. Or Bella will realize that Bertha is really a golf ball, Tresa is really a tree, and that her truck in musically challenged, not musically inclined. Now you don't want to take the fun out of her life, do you?

Love you all!


	4. An Atrociy Unimagined

_Saturday. Ewww._

I hate Saturday. I get to sleep in, yeah, but then I have nothing else to do for the rest of the day! I just sit around, talking to my favorite wall, Shirley, or trying to move things with my brain. But Shirley is not a good conversationalist and I have only succeeded in moving a headache in with my mind so yeah. I hate Saturdays.

And this Saturday was about to be a bit more terrible than all of them combined. (See that foreshadow I put in there?)

I had woken up in a bad mood, glaring in a hopefully baleful way at the cat clock in the corner. But then my glaring eyes were moving with the cat eyes because it was one of those distracting swingy ones and I kept thinking of pendulums. Which got me to the POE dude who was crazy or something. But I seriously loved his stories. Soo disturbing, so amazing, so just perfect. And perfection is round. Everyone knows that. Round like an egg.

_EGG!_

I tore my eyes from the cat pendulum and stared lovingly at Bertha. She sat in her little nest, all happy and safe, all cute and round, all white and dented. But then I sighed, because I knew that Bertha and I would not be together for too long. She needed to go with those of her own kind, and I meant other little eggs. Tresa was too whoreish to take care of her (yeah I had a slutty tree) and Bertha would grow into an obese, socially awkward, pyromaniac if she didn't start socializing at an early age.

So, cradling her morosely, I started crawling down the stairs.

"Bella, what could you possibly be doing at eight am on a Saturday morning?" Charlie sighed at me. I jumped, screamed loudly, chuckled, shed a tear or two, and then started an angry tirade.

"What? You think just because I have mood swings and crawl down stairs and love my eggs that I'm a backwards chicken? Is that it? That better not be it mister, or I'm moving to Pennsylvania and telling all the trees how you treated me!" Charlie stared at me blankly.

"Carry on then," he turned on his heel and whistled out the door. I smugly smiled.

Yeah, I always won the argument. Especially when I brought up Pennsylvania trees. There was just something about them…

"C'mon Bertha!" I skipped out to Smithers. It growled playfully at me when I turned the key and I patted the dashboard approvingly. I made sure to buckle Bertha up in her plastic cup slash seat belt. And then I was off, eyes narrowed and back hunched over the steering wheel in concentration.

I made sure to drive on the left side of the road and dodge all the idiots going in the wrong direction. I was nearly at the first stoplight when I realized I didn't know where I was going. I stopped the car in the middle of the intersection, as that was the most sensible place to park it, and bowed to all the cheering cars as they honked in my direction. I got up on the truck, ignoring the rude shouts of passerby, and craned my neck in all four directions, looking for something, something when….

I was attacked by a flying egg.

I gave a girly scream and then looked for the perpetrator (because eggs can't fly on their own in a straight line at a stationary object) and came face to face with an angry looking dinosaur.

It was old, wrinkly, bearded, and had a hunched looking appearance. Most likely caused by that strange wooden appendage connected to its arm. I stared in fascination as it hobbled over to me, shaking the normal fist while the other one tightened its tentacle hold on the wooden stick thingy.

"You teenagers are all nutters! What are you doing standing in the middle of the intersection like that?" Flecks of spittle flew from its toothless mouth and its face turned rather red.

Dinosaurs were so strange.

I think I read somewhere that the only way to protect yourself from a wild animal (we'll include dinosaurs in that category) was to imitate it and intimidate. So I imitated its intimidation technique.

I hunched, screwed up my expression, and hocked up a loogie to let fly at it when I got my say.

"You darned dinosaurs! Yelling at completely sensible people in the middle of an intersection. What do you think you're doing, throwing poor, innocent eggs at people?" and then when I felt that it was properly intimidated, "Where did you get that egg anyway?"

Its wrinkly face got more wrinkly.

"You mean the golf ball?" I rolled my eyes. Silly dinosaur.

"Sure," I sighed.

"At Newton's Sporting Goods." I smiled, jumped in Smithers and tore down the street, ignoring the rude truck that got in my way. The dinosaur was left behind as I blazed towards Newton's. I made it there in under two minutes, conveniently, and parked in the pretty parking space with the wheelchair on it. Which was reserved for all the cool people. I'd just gotten through the door of Newton's when I realized something.

Newton. Newt.

NEWT'S LAIR!

I'd entered the Newt's lair!

I whisper screamed and then crouched to the floor, praying to anyone who would listen that it hadn't smelled me. How could I have forgotten that Newt "worked" here? How could I have forgotten that this was his hidey hole and just walked into his den?

And I wasn't surprised that he was keeping eggs captive here, that sick bastard.

I was torn between booking it (which was my natural instinct) and going on a recon mission for the precious eggs of this world when I saw them.

The eggs.

They were sitting morosely in tiny, square, cardboard boxes on a shelf. A little window showed their frowning little faces and I was brought to tears at the sad picture before me. Oh the horror! Oh those poor, poor innocent eggs! Newt had just added another major transgression to his list of "Sick Twisted Things I Participate in and Enjoy" right under the whole humping Bella's leg thing.

And so, moved to saintly compassion, I stood confidently and marched purposefully towards the five boxes of eggs. I was almost there when I heard it.

Newt.

"Fore!" squeaked his slimy voice. I ducked down, cautiously, and peered around the nearest shelf. Newt was standing in the aisle by the eggs and he was holding a large, metallic, off center lollipop. And when I say big, metallic, and off center, I mean just that. He had some green grass rolled out in front of him (probably to pee on since I burned his fire hydrant) and was swinging the lollipop back and forth. I watched curiously, and silently, as he approached the eggs.

He opened the box, maybe he was setting it free.

He placed it on the grass. Maybe he was putting it in its bed!

He was swinging the lollipop. Do eggs eat lollipops?

And then he clubbed the egg. With the big metallic lollipop of horrors.

I was aghast. I was outraged. I was woman and I was roaring, literally.

I ran full speed at the slimy, heartless, son of a batch of rotten cookies and he was too surprised to even smirk slimily in my direction. I grabbed the lollipop from his hands and raised it high above my head. And then I hit him in the head with it. His eyes rolled stupidly into the back of his head and a purply bruise began to form. I tossed the lollipop away and hopped over Newt's motionless body, only one thing in mind.

Save the eggs.

I sprinted to the end of the aisle and grabbed the eggs in their little prisons. Once I had them all gathered I was running out the door and to Smithers. I set the boxes next to my precious Bertha and revved the engine, flying like a bat out of its cave once I heard Mama Newt screaming for her baby and her prisoners.

We were traveling fast and furious at an unmatchable pace of 70 feet per hour. Nobody could catch us now! I giggled maniacally to myself, smiling adoringly at the boxes of relieved eggs. I would let them loose in the forest to breed and roam free of any danger. We would soon have a large egg population and our trees would be greener from the happiness of all their little adopted children. I would be praised for centuries as a defender of innocent eggs, as the mother of all tree happiness, as the savior of the round and white.

But then I was arrested.

Some cop pulled me over, claiming that my vehicle had been seen at the scene of a hit and run situation over at Newt's. I pretended not to understand, saying there was no way that was true since I had _only just_ vacated my cave dwelling. But the officer persisted and pointed out the eggs, refusing to listen to reason when I told him I was _saving_ them from innumerable tortures. He kept going on about "thievery of _golf _balls" and "assault by golf club" when I so sensibly explained to him that I was _saving _eggs and only hit Newt with the _lollipop _because he was hitting eggs with lollipops.

He cuffed me, placed the eggs in his cruiser and locked me in some magical cage he called "prison". When it was so obviously the former home of a Hobbit.

I swear I'm the only sane one around these parts.

So there I was, mourning for my eggs and scared that the previous owner of the Hobbit home might come back and feed me mushrooms, when I heard a beautiful, melodious voice that wasn't in my head.

**Hey what are you trying to say about my voice?**

_**That it's not melodious, duh.**_

_That, in fact, it sounds like a chainsaw?_

**Go bother someone else you ungrateful pieces of spinach.**

"_Bella?_" He looked astounded to see me in the hobbit dwelling.

"Hey Edward. Can you spring me before I'm force fed mushrooms? I'd really appreciate it."

He stared at me, his eyebrows crinkling for a moment before his eyes widened and he burst into a croaky little giggle. It was pretty darn cute.

Concentrate. Concentrate….

"Yeah sure," he smiled all off center, like that hellish lollipop from the depths of Newt's dwelling, and then he went across the hall to speak to Officer Nitwit. I could only hear a few words of what he was saying.

"So sorry…" for what?

"Mentally disturbed…may need psychiatric treatment.." NO! Don't insult him! That's not gonna get me out of here!

"Chief Swan's daughter," there were the big guns.

"Go see for yourself." See what? Traces of the Hobbit?

Nitwit came over to ask me a few questions, apparently he thought he was the Sphinx and would only let me out after a pop quiz. But, unlike my Algebra teacher, he probably wouldn't eat me. I could tell that all he ate was mushrooms. He was just that kind of person. Maybe he was a Hobbit too-

"Miss Swan?" I snapped back to him, ignoring Edward's bemused chuckle.

"Yes Nitwit." Whoops. Nitwit eyed me dubiously.

"In your own words, please tell me why you assaulted Mr. Newton and stole his golf balls?" Golf balls? What?

"Oh, you mean the eggs?" and then I launched into the whole story about the dinosaur and the eggs and the recon mission and the vile Newt with his evil lollipop. I was only halfway done when the officer decided to free me. He walked away rather fast, saying a quick "go ahead" to Eddie and then I was free and muttering "shrooms."

So he was a Hobbit!

I ran at Edward and hugged him hard. He patted my back in an obviously adoring way. And when I let go I looked up to see his adorably confused face looking down at me and all I could hear was Ashley Tisdale going "kiss the girl" but we couldn't have that (I was not a tramp) so I just stood on my tip tippy toes and rubbed my nose to his.

"Thanks for saving me from the Hobbit." I think my face almost cracked with the force of my smile.

"No problem."

He laughed. And this was obviously the beginning of a very drastic relationship.

**Drastic indeed.**

_**Hobbits…Forks and Spoons has been invaded by Hobbits. What next? Pod people?**_

_Shut. Up._


	5. Conscience meet Libido

"So, should I drive you home or…?" Edward was being all gentlemanly and cute by offering my lovely bottom a seat in his mom car.

"It is not a mom car." He frowned handsomely. Not sure how he managed it but hey. We've all got talents.

"Did I say that out loud?" I was curious. Because I'd been paying attention to my voice in case it sounded all croaky (you never know what you've swallowed, in essence, once vacating a Hobbit cave) and I was nearly, particularly, probably, most likely sure that I hadn't said anything.

Edward gulped. His Adams Apple bobbed. I poked it.

"Ow! Did you swallow a boulder or something?" I rubbed my pore finger. That thing was hard.

Edward just looked worried.

"You okay?" he grabbed my finger and examined it. He shocked me.

Like, literally, shocked me. There was some kind of current of electricity coming off him and hitting me.

"Oh my god! So you swallowed a cell tower?" I pointed at his Adams apple. His eyes bugged out. Still an attractive look. How did he do it? Edward shook his head, slowly grinning at me.

"Nope." I smiled. That was a good thing. I heard that cell towers were particularly finicky if one tried to consume them.

He just stared at me.

"That cat got your tongue look doesn't work out so well for you, just saying." Oh, who am I kidding? All looks look good on Edward. Except for maybe dead. Although it would be cool if he was like dead, but still alive and walking around and stuff. But not like a zombie.

Zombies smell and eat people.

No I think Edward would make a really good vampire. Because vampires are usually really seductive and man-pretty, which Edward totally is, and I would probably let him eat my red fluids if he asked me too.

Edward squeaked like a plush toy. Now I was the one to look at him strangely.

"I thought boys were done with puberty by this age?" He looked slightly affronted.

"My voice did not crack," and for some reason his voice sounded abnormally deep. I was about to suggest that he had been attacked by the pod people before I was swept away. And I literally mean swept away. Edward picked me up with a sigh, carried me over to his mom car, and dumped me in the front seat. I would've said something snarky and seductive but I was too caught up in the way he smelled.

_Guh._

I heard the door close behind him but I was still a little too dazed to respond accordingly. That is, until he decided to start up the car and a round of Twenty Questions. Where _I _didn't get to ask any questions.

Stupid pretty boy getting away with everything his shy heart desires.

"Favorite color?" _Easy peasy._

"Shiny."

"…"

"Shiny isn't a-" _I swear to Kermit if you say shiny isn't a color I'll dismember you._

"Favorite food?"

"Brussel Sprouts."

"Favorite book?"

"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."

Edward continued to ask inane questions until he got to one that I was able to answer with relish.

"Favorite memory?" I chuckled ruefully.

"Hands down, best memory of my short life was this one time when we were playing baseball in P.E. Now, I am a menace in the area of physical fitness seeing as I never quite grasped the concept of equilibrium. So I'm up to bat, Tyler flipping Crowley is sending me sluggish pitches because he felt sorry for me and my clumsy arse, and Newt, otherwise known as Mike Newton, was standing behind me, breathing down my neck when he was supposed to be catching."

I could see that Edward was intrigued. I was looking forward to the next part, I'd enjoyed it way too much at the time, seeing as Newt was a little too fond of swiping at my ass when he was supposed to be concentrating on the game. Oh well asshole, went badly for you.

Edward looked a bit aggravated for a second before we got back to the topic at hand.

"So I'm getting ticked at Newt and it starts drizzling, and I keep striking. But Coach Clapp, a.k.a. Couch Flap, won't let us go in until I manage to hit the ball. And the rain is making the bat slippery and Newt is putting me in the worst mood. So I finally just swing the bat as hard as I can and voila, I hit the balls. But not exactly the balls I was aiming for."

I smiled devilishly, reliving Newt's squeak of pain.

"Newt got a little too close and the bat slipped out of my hand and right into his toothpick and moth balls. Best. Day. Ever." I'd give anything to make him squeal like that again.

Edward stopped the car outside my house. And promptly began to laugh his pretty little ass off.

"Oh, that was too good." He smiled at me, a brilliant smile that made the heart in my tummy melt. He was more addictive than chocolate. And that's saying something.

I realized all of a sudden that I really didn't want to go home. I couldn't explain it, but I'd rather stay in the car with this beautiful boy. My ovaries were practically screaming at me to jump him and make pretty babies. But since when have I listened to my ovaries?

_Honey, I'm not your Ovaries. Sparrow and Dove are two horny little-_

**Shhh they might hear us! Remember what happened the last time you insulted them?**

_**Personally, I have more fun when they come and visit to take out their "frustrations".**_

**You sick little-**

I shuddered. If my conscience and my libido hooked up in the presence of Edward my plans would be shot to hell.

_Yeah, you'd probably molest the poor boy._

I shook my head, deciding instead to ask Edward if he would bring me out for a coffee. But I was met with yet another shell shocked, wide eyed Edward. He would never resist those mutant bacteria if his jaw was constantly on the down low like that.

He snapped it shut but his eyes stayed wide.

"So, you wanna take me out for a coffee? Like on Saturday or something?" Now I was totally expecting him to say no, seeing as I was so ordinarily normal and he was so heartbreakingly strange, but to my surprise he smiled and said yes. I floated out of his car and into the house. I forgot to crawl up the stairs I was so distracted. Which led to me falling down them again. But I couldn't even feel the pain. I was in an Edward-induced coma.

Ed_weird._

He gave me shivers. And the good kind. Not the "oh good lord I'm getting hypothermia and ice worms are sliding down my back" but the "oh good lord the most amazingly attractive, odd, funny boy ever who looks like he could be a vampire is taking me out for coffee on Saturday".

I think he just made my life right there.

And so I sat on the stairs, daydreaming about the bronze haired undead god who was so obviously in control of my heart, which thumped away in my stomach like it was getting ready to consume cake morsels.

Then Charlie got home.

"Hey Bella, how was your day?" Charlos's mustache twitched conspicuously.

"Well I woke up, went to find Bertha a home, was confronted by a dinosaur who directed me to Newt's lair, found Newt torturing poor eggs, rescued the eggs and punished Newt, got pulled over by a Hobbit before I could let the eggs go in the forest, was put in the Hobbit's cave, got bailed out of the cave by the most beautiful specimen ever, was driven home by said specimen, and I've been daydreaming about my apparent coffee date on Saturday. How about you Charles?" Charlie just shook his head, wide eyed and fishy faced (why, oh why, do people constantly look like that after talking to me?) and walked away.

"Always the talker." I grumbled.

_He obviously had a bad day._

**Bet you Edward could cheer him up. Oh wait; only Bella would think that.**

_**I think you're the one she likes the least Mr. "I have incestual relationships with Bella's libido."**_

How very right you are, Duck, how very right you are. 


	6. Dancing Goats and Emoticons

**_Disclaimer: I do not own these people or these places_**

**_I only own the birds_**

**_So Stephenie Meyer_**

**_I do not intend to steal your words_**

_Alrighty tighty. It. Is. SATURDAY!_

I was hopping around my room excitedly, wishing that it was a pretty padded cell like you sometimes saw in those cool movies where the person inside is in what they call a "straight jacket."

Obviously, this jacket was not made for the homosexuals. Therefore, by default, I would never like one. Since gays are great and funny and they sneer at normality, as do I. I admire them for it. So no "straight jacket" for me, even though I_ am_ straight as a circle.

But I would love one of those padded rooms… almost as much as I would love my own personal Edweird. I love Edward. I want one.

Of him, of course; I don't own him…yet. I bet they sell action figures of him. And t-shirts and such saying "Edweird's Callgirl!" Yeah. I'd _totally _buy that shirt. And wear it around him. Oh who am I kidding, I wouldn't mind losing the shirt (and just about everything else) in his vicinity.

Annnnd Raven and Crow have taken over my brain.

_Hell yes we have. And we are not leaving until you GET SOME! We are burning down there! We want little Edweird babies! Give!_

**Oh they'd have his hair, and his eyes, and his prettiness….and your penchant for saving eggs? Speaking of eggs, when are we going to use ours? They're all lonely and crying for some Edward fertilizers. C'mon Bella, you don't want the eggs to be lonely do you?**

Oh. My. Popsicle Stick.

_Speaking of popsicles…_

"La, la, la, la, la…." I started singing in order to shut up my ovaries. Yes they wanted Edweird babies. No I wasn't going to let them. Pregnancy is freaky. And it makes you fat.

So with that in mind, I got dressed, headed downstairs (face first of course), and waited patiently by the door for Charles to show up.

Rumpled and mustached, he rolled out of bed and went down to meet me.

"Why are you up at eight on a Saturday?" He yawned and stretched. I smiled.

"I'm going on a date!" I could barely contain my excitement. Apparently, neither could Charlie. He stopped yawning, deciding to gawk at me instead before inching steadily towards his gun cache.

"Going hunting today?" I figured it was a normal enough question. Seeing as he enjoyed hunting pumpkin-snickers. Thankfully, he'd never caught one. I loved pumpkin-snickers.

"Yup." He started cleaning the gun, looking at the door suspiciously. Maybe it had stubbed his toe the night before? I'm pretty sure our door isn't a convict. Now our _screen _door on the other hand…

"What are you hunting?" He looked at me thoughtfully, disregarding the innocent door.

"Who are you going out with?" What an odd way of answering a question.

"Edward Cullen." I smiled joyously. Charles nodded.

"Then I'm hunting Edward Cullens today." Was that a species of bird?

"There's such a thing?" Charles looked away from me and then answered with yet another question. Such a strange man.

"What's he like, this Edward?" I tapped my chin in thought.

"Queer, weird…and egg saving, umm, he dislikes Hobbits, I believe. I think he's swallowed a cell tower and his heart is very shy. I think his mother was a brick wall and his father a boulder…his skin is cold and he's really very pretty. Oh! And he drives a mom car." Hopefully that explained to Charles just how amazing Edward was. But you never know with Charles.

As one could imply from his next statement.

"Pretty normal then." He nodded, chewing on his cheek in thought. I'm nearly sure I turned purple with rage.

"HE IS NOT NORMAL! HE. IS. NOT. NORMAL! NORMAL PEOPLE ARE CRIMINALS AND EDWARD IS NOT A CRIMINAL BECAUSE HE IS NOT NORMAL. HE. IS. WEIRD!" Charlie backed away, the gun forgotten as he held up his hands in surrender. I growled and he scurried up the stairs. Stupid father. How dare he speak of Edward that way!

I realized that Edward and I had never outlined the where or the when of our supposed coffee date. _And_ I didn't have his number.

That's when I saw the gun.

….

"Bella, I know I called him normal. I didn't mean to, it just sort of slipped out. I'm your old man! C'mon give me some credit. I've always worried but I didn't think it would go this far!" I leveled the shot gun with his nose. His moustache twitched nervously and he went cross eyed looking at it.

"Just tell me where the Cullens live and give me their phone number and we'll call it even. And I know you have it because you're Police Chief and this is quite a small town to be chief of. So hock it up _Daddy_." He inched over to his desk and pulled out a big yellow book and scanned it nervously.

"342 Ovo Road. That's out past Newton's General and in the woods. Just follow the yellow brick road." He chuckled. I waved the gun. (It wasn't loaded but what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him).

"Um, their number, right…. Uh, 360-295-4695. Yeah, that's the home phone. Happy?" I smiled and backed out of the room with the gun, singing the number so I wouldn't forget it. I heard Charlie collapse into his chair with a sigh.

Yeah I can be unpredictable too.

I dialed the number and whistled patiently.

Ring, ring, ring, riiiiiing…

"Hi Bella!" A perky voice at the other end squealed.

"Hi person I don't know yet knows my name!" Well it was the only greeting I could think of. Maybe they could see the future.

"It's Alice. You called me Tooth Fairy the last time you saw me. Remember? And yes, I can see the future, because I know that you were wondering. And I know that you are presently nodding solemnly." I stopped nodding; she was good.

I figured since she could see the future I wouldn't need to talk. And I guessed right.

"Yeah, Edward is a little…busy….with something so you'll have to drive down to Port Angeles by yourself. Find the Veela Café, and wait for him there. He should show up around two. Have fun!" She hung up and I pouted. Then stamped my foot.

But I want to see Edward now!

The phone rang. "Hello?"

"Stop being a petulant child and drive. And stop with the pout." Stupid Alice. I hung up and then stuck out my tongue spitefully, hoping she saw it too.

I hopped into my truck and got on my way, chugging along to this fancy sounding café. Veela. Wow, what a cool name.

The drive was slow and the rain was very chatty that morning so I decided to distract myself by thinking in punctuation marks.

_!_

…

_?_

_!_

_Ooo that last one made a smiley face._

**Yeah? Well mine makes a listening to music face. **

**d- -b **

_**Is that supposed to be an emoticon with headphones? Lame. Check out this one.**_

_}-;-'—_

"Aww, is that a rose? For me?"

_**Of course.**_

**Sap.**

_Pussy._

The phone started ringing again. I sighed and picked it up.

"Yes Alice, I'm talking to myself. No, Alice, there is nothing wrong with that. Now when will Edward show up, huh? I-" I was interrupted by a deep voice.

"It's not Alice. This is Edward." Makes sense. Alice has a squeaky voice not a chocolate and silk voice like Edward. Mmmm, chocolate and silk. Silk worms are tasty.

"Bella? You still there?" I started, pulling my hand off the wheel to salute and nearly ran over an idiotic pedestrian. I stuck my head out the window and beeped.

"Watch who you walk in front of, you wanna get killed?" Jeez. Oh wait, Edward.

"Yeah I'm here." He chuckled. Yum.

"I'll be there at two." I nodded, but then remembered that only Alice could see the future.

"Yeah I know, Alice told me." I smiled at the phone, wishing it were Edweird's eyebrow. He had such lovely eyebrows.

"Umm alright then, I'll just-" I hung up. Awkward goodbyes are always the worst.

About forty five minutes late, which can equate to about three hundred years later in another reality, I pulled up to what looked like a sports bar almost from far away but had this big sign in fancy letters proclaiming it as the Veela Café. It had a big black sign full of espresso choices and flower pots and shirts outside. Looked like my kind of place.

After casually parking in the shrubbery I ventured inside and found to my delight the quirkiest coffee shop this side of the street. There was a section called World Wide Web with clocks all over it. Catchy. Artwork hugged the green and red walls, people with guitars jammed on the comfy couches, the bar winked at me playfully with its displays of teas and coffee. I hummed in appreciation when I saw the menu. Dancing Goats Blend? I couldn't find a stranger, or better, place.

"Good job Alice. I know you picked this place out." I laughed joyfully and nobody turned around to give me a weird look. I could talk to myself here and they would understand.

Awesome!

I was slowly falling in love with this place. Then I sat down on the couch.

"I'm never leaving." The door opened and in strolled Edward.

"That might not be beneficial Bella." He gave me that smirk I loved so much.

"I can't help it. This place is odd and pretty and the couch feels like heaven and you're here and they have Dancing Goats." He nodded understandably, even though he looked majorly confused.

"So… is it weird enough for you?" I ran at him and tackle hugged him softly because he still felt like a boulder and he tentatively hugged me back.

He smelled really good. Like honey and lilac and brussel sprouts.

I felt Edward chuckle into my hair.

I pulled away reluctantly and continued to smile at him.

"Can I get a Dancing Goat?" his eyes widened in alarm.

"Wait, is that-"

"An espresso?" he blew out a breath of air.

"Yup. Let's get some Dancing Goats." He smiled again. I swooned. He took my hand and smiled again. The combination was too lethal for my girl hormones and my brain was too distracted by the pretty and the shiny copper hair to take care of my breathing.

So I fainted.

I really needed to stop doing that.

(V)!_!(V)

**I made a crab! Suck it!**

_Raven! Crow! I think he's implying that your department is infected!_

**What? No I didn't- **

_**Let's now hear a thought from our unconscious sponsor in order to deviate from the inevitable violence.**_

Shut up guys. You're giving me a headache.

And with that thought I drifted slowly back to consciousness to see the pretty golden eyes looking worriedly into mine.

He was so, so, so good looking. Really. I couldn't help myself.

So I kissed him.

All his fault for being irresistible. What does he think a red blooded female's gonna do with him leaning over them? Jeez.

Yeah I'm weak. And no it's not my fault.

Blame the biddy birds.

* * *

Veela Cafe does indeed exist, as does the Dancing Goats Brew. Flipping awesome sauce, if i do proclaim myself.

May I congratulate the winged species on its insanity? I may? Alright then. Congratulations.

If you have wings, you are insane.. If you don't have wings then you have arms and hands and fingers. And that makes it veeeeeeeery possible for you to review this here crackfickly story. Give some love to the Swan, the Duck, the Goose, the Raven, and the Crow.

And also Bella for getting some.

Love y'all!


	7. The Odd Duckling

**Alright. The majority vote was no EPOV. But I decided to compromise for those of you who REALLY wanted one. This is the only EPOV chapter of DDGS and if I write another (which I might, since this was really fun) it will be a seperate outtake. I didn't make it too serious and hopefully this gives you some insight as to how Edward feels. And how a normal person may see Bella. Well, not normal, per se. But still.**

**Enjoy!**

_

* * *

_

_She's kissing me._

This was not good. This was so not good… not good at _all._ Why?

Because I'm a freaking vampire and this insane girl seems to be the most likely to figure that out. Seriously, her mind is strange but, in her own way, she's exceedingly perceptive.

Now, knowing her, I'll bet the existence of vampires in the world is about as unextraordinary as the existence of PB&J. I would know. I've seen her thoughts. And that's where my whole "shit the Volturi are gonna be on my ass stat" worries are coming from. Don't believe me? Well I'll give you some evidence.

The first day we met: _"You have a very silent chest." _She said. _No heartbeat._ She thought.

I started freaking out, which was to be expected, and then she proclaimed that maybe my heart was just _shy_ like hers, and then she placed her hand on her stomach because she believed that's where her heart was. My thoughts?

Where the _hell_ did _she_ come from?

Her thought process and conversation got exceedingly stranger. She said my hands were cold. And then she asked if it was because I liked ice cubes. And then another day, she actually thought that I _was_ a vampire. But then I realized she was just airing out her insanity and I calmed down. She did that occasionally. Like when she thought those golf balls at Newton's were eggs, and then assaulted Newton to free them, and then got put in jail for assault (which she thought was a Hobbit cave). She was an odd one, that was for sure. But she was cute. Every time she talked to me I was torn between running away before I contracted whatever mental illness she had or staying around just to smile at how adorable she was.

I ended up running the first time. But I came back eventually.

See, Bella Swan wasn't just the Odd Duckling. She was a Pretty Duckling. Something most of the guys in Forks High School had already noticed. Yes, she was beautiful. She had long, wavy, soft looking almond hair that had streaks of blonde, gold, and red when she was in the sunlight. She had these big, doe brown eyes that just seemed to go forever and were warmer than a hot chocolate on a cold winter's day (not that I would know- I drink deer blood and my _skin's_ colder than a winter day). Her lips were plump and always ready to curl into a cozy smile, her cheeks warmed with a faintly violent blush about every other minute, and she had what Mike Newton (or the Newt as Bella called him) would call a "killer bod."

_Not_ that I had noticed…

Ah, who are we kidding? I'm a teenage boy for heck's sake. Of _course_ I've noticed. But at least I've tried not to. I'm a gentleman first, and a vampire afterwards. Most of my teenage boy mannerisms tend to crawl out third in that category. Except when I catch a glimpse of her long, creamy, shapely legs. Or notice how my hands could fit quite snugly into the curve of her waist. Or when I face-plant into her boobs.

Yeah it was embarrassing at first (thank god I can't blush) but later on it became somewhat of a fond memory in my juvenile brain. What can I say? The eternal seventeen-ness of me needs to get its kicks somewhere.

So yeah, I was attracted to her. And yeah, her lips felt _really, really_ good against mine. All soft and warm to my iciness. But I couldn't think about how much I liked kissing Bella, and how much I was beginning to like _Bella_ (yeah I was falling for her brain too- a difficult concept to grasp I'm sure) because I was a vampire and although I wasn't too tempted by her blood, I could still hurt her. Don't get me wrong, she smelled great. Like strawberries and sunshine, but I could resist. Thankfully she didn't smell like flowers. I'd always had some kind of strong urge to eat anything that smelled floral. People who smell like flowers had tempting blood. I know, normally vampires would like something that smelled somewhat like _food, _but I guess I just like plants. I don't know, maybe I was a goat in a former life?

So yeah, her blood was like a lot of people's. Nice setting but not so nice that I just needed to sink my teeth into it. I mean if she added some flowers, maybe then, yeah. I could totally go for some daisies right about now. But there was still my strength to contest with.

I could crush her if I got too distracted. And Bella is the embodiment of distraction. Then again, she'd probably distract me from crushing her by randomly running away and then coming back saying she was pretending to be a leprechaun or something similar, but still. I could hurt her.

_Excuses, excuses._

I pulled my lips away from hers, finally, and groaned internally as I helped her off the floor, ignoring how pleased I was when I heard her disappointment. My subconscious was talking to me. Kind of like how Bella's talks to her. Yeah I heard her subconscious, and yes, quite frankly, it did freak me the feck out. But it was also wholly amusing at the same time. Like now for example.

Apparently her ovaries and one of her inner brains were fighting over "an insult to department sanitation" whatever that means, and the other two inner brains were watching on the sidelines, rooting for the ovaries. From what I've gathered her brains are called Swan, Goose, and Duck. And her ovaries are named Raven and Crow. Or sometimes Dove and Sparrow. It depended on whether they were in a content mood or a frustrated mood. Being in my presence, apparently, causes them to want babies which in turn causes them to revert to their less than kind alter personas.

I could totally write a psychology almanac on this one girl and her messed up brain.

She was just so odd. And she didn't think she was. She thought she was _normal_. She thought I was weird. And I kind of am, to be frank. I'm a century old teenager with penny colored hair and yellow eyes. And I can read minds. So I'm a bit weird, if we're going by the definition. But Bella's weirder. And I can't help but love that about her.

She has more than one brain and has conversations with herself; she thinks trees give birth to eggs and that golf balls are eggs. She thinks old people are really dinosaurs and that the best parking space is in the middle of an intersection. She thinks it is possible to swallow a cell tower and that my sister is psychic. She thinks-

Wait, _what?_

"Bella? Have you met my sister Alice?" please say no. Please let this just be another one of your crazy ideas.

"Yep." _I thought she was the tooth fairy and then she called me and told me to stop acting like a petulant child after I stamped my foot._

"She's psychic. Is she clairvoyant too?" _OR maybe SHE'S a vampire! Which would mean Edward's a vampire too! But how can he be a vampire if I'm still alive? Do I smell bad?_

"She wouldn't need to speak to the dead if she _was_ one of them, Bella." _Did I say that out loud? Maybe he can read minds._

_Shit. _I really needed to stop doing that.

_Don't say pumpernickel if you can hear my thoughts._

"Pumpernickel."

"You are a mind reader! I knew it!" Wait, what? I thought she said don't say-

_You jackass, how other way would you know to say pumpernickel if you hadn't "heard" her think to not say it, which in turn made you say it, which proved that you could hear what she said and did the opposite to prove her wrong._

…

_Reverse psychology._

I smacked my forehead and looked cautiously into her big, brown, scheming, triumphant eyes.

Then my phone rang.

"It's Alice, don't bother asking. Just admit you're a mind reader. Don't say you're a vampire. That's my job. I already told her I was psychic. And dash the clairvoyant idea before she starts asking me to talk to her dead hamster, Mumstorfurden. Got it?" I nodded, figuring she'd see it. Then I hung up.

"Why don't you get us a table?" she clapped her hands together and prowled in search of a spot to sit. Probably the floor; she'd find that sensible.

_What comfy carpet!_

How did I know.

I went up to the counter, bought her a Dancing Goat (which smelled absolutely rancid to my "refined" tastes) and stood in the middle of the shop, staring at her in a hopeless way. I took a step and watched her face light up happily from her spot on the carpet in the corner. And she thought about how pretty I was (such an emasculating adjective) and how much she wanted that drink and how much she wouldn't mind just sitting there and listening to my voice for a while. And I knew that I really was screwed.

_Once she knows everything you'll be her bitch for eternity._

Pathetically, I really didn't mind.

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**Love it? Hate it? Want another one? Or should I stick with the EPOV ONLY AS AN OUTTAKE IDEA? **

**Let me know with a review and I'll give you a sneak-peek into chapter eight!**


	8. You Better Be the Shiny Kind

**Disclaimer: SM owns all but the shiny and the mental.**

**Enjoy! Or forever rot in the hell that is Disneyland! (What can i say? Mickey's kind of creepy)**

* * *

"_Pumpernickel."_

A dreaded statement to be sure. Really though, how stupid did he expect me to be? In what regular conversation would someone just randomly say pumpernickel? Unless they were a mind reader? And then by default a vampire? Because vampires have special powers and I bet if I put Edward in the sunlight he would start sparkling like a fairy princess wand. Because that's the kind of vampire he was.

The sparkly, shiny, yellow eyed kind.

I saw Mr. Shiny himself approaching me and decided to take advantage of my needlessness to talk.

_I TRICKED YOU! See, you're not a baker, so you won't just casually say pumpernickel for no reason. And I don't particularly enjoy pumpernickel bread because it tastes like brick. Not that that affected my choice of the word, it just sounds funny and strange, and you're quite very strange, in fact. You're the strangest boy ever- but I can't say boy because I'm almost positive that you're undead so you're not alive and walking around but I have to admit that you are THE most attractive corpse I've ever met in my many corpse-less years here. So I kissed you, right? And it was nice, don't get me wrong, but could that be considered necrophilia since you're really not alive any-_

"Bella."

_What?_

"Slow down. And can you please talk to me? I like the sound of your voice." I blushed at how sparklingly sweet he was.

"And you're giving me a headache." He mumbled that last part but I still heard him. So I glowered, and then started thinking extra fast to annoy him even more.

_What's annoying? This? Huh, is this annoying? I bet this is annoying. I bet I'm thinking so fast that you got a headache and now it's getting worse because I'm being so annoying. Huh, am I right? Am I totally and unequivocally right? Is it totally and really truly right? Am I IRREVOCABLY right? Because you know it's not serious until it's irrevocable. Yadda, yadda, and LALALALALALALALALA I'M A MASOCHIST HAHA JUST KIDDING, YOU'RE A MASOCHIST BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LISTENING TO ME! AND WHO USES MASOCHIST ANYMORE, ANYWAYS? ONLY OLD PEOPLE. And you are an old person because you are undead and my boobs agree and I cannot believe you haven't stopped me-_

"BELLA!" I stopped to see Edward with his hands pressing against his temples like that was going to fix something.

"Careful. You might squash your head like a watermelon and it's too pretty to go to that kind of waste."

"Will you stop thinking at hyper speed so I can explain this to you? And here's your coffee." He handed me the steaming cup and I took off the lid in order to take a big whiff. It smelled like hazelnuts, and chocolate, and fruit, and spice, and flowers. And apparently I wasn't the only one salivating. Edward was eyeing the cup like it was sex on legs.

"It smells like flowers." He explained.

_And that smells appetizing…how?_

"I'll explain it later." He sighed and gave the cup one last seductive look (why can't he look at me like that?) and fiddlesticks I can't think things like that because he can hear me. Which one could confirm by the smug smirk he was sporting my direction.

_Stupid smirking vampire who reads minds. Can't he just _smile_ for once? Jeez._

I took a sip of the heavenly smelling coffee, which tasted just as good as was expected, and listened to Edward as he explained to me all about his strangeness.

"Yes, I can read minds. No, this is not a normal occurrence. It is also not weird in the sense that you would think it is weird; it is odd, we'll say, in the sense that it does not happen and nobody besides myself (that I know of) has this ability. Alice is psychic and no, you cannot tell anyone this. She is also not clairvoyant. You'll get the rest of the story when I drive you back to my place." He stared longingly at my coffee.

_Want a sip? _

He shook his head. But continued to stare.

_See? Vampire. Only a vampire would want to eat something floral. Speaking of being a vampire, you better be the shiny kind._

Edward gave me that look he always gave me- like he had no idea what I was "talking" about. But I just crossed my arms and gave him a stern look. Then took another sip of my coffee.

"Okay Bella, let's go. I want to get this over with."

_What? Our date?_ I gave him my best wounded 'my pet iguana's just been run over by the ice cream truck' look.

"No," he smiled that pretty smile that made me almost positive that he was indeed the shiny kind of vampire I so longed him to be.

"I want to get this unveiling thing over. I've enjoyed our date very much." I smiled at him and grabbed his ice cold hand. I swung it back and forward as I drank my coffee, happily ignoring the frostbite I was surely gaining.

~C~

"This is by far the oddest human I've ever encountered." The blonde complemented. Rosalie was her name, I think. And I would have given her my customary hug, but honestly, she scared me quite a bit.

Edward snickered.

"I know what you mean Rose. Trust me, I know." I beamed at him and snuggled up to his side _real _quick because he smelt good, he was pretty, and he agreed with the blonde Viqueen (that's what they call female Vikings right?) about me being weird.

And he can still read my mind. Shoot.

I felt my cheeks heat up as he smiled down at me before I took a tiny step away. Stupid mind reading vampire.

I turned back to Rosalie and the monster on her right. I squinted my eyes, wondering if he'd seem less mountain like with blurry vision…Nope. Still a mountain.

"What's your name? Behemoth?" Edward snorted. Maybe he was a pig in the life before he was a goat.

"Nope," Behemoth replied, his voice was deep and low, like Katy Perry's lyrics (just kidding, she's a balloon head) and I missed what he said next because I wasn't paying attention.

"His name's Emmett." Edward explained.

"But I kind of like the name Behemoth," Emmet smiled at me. It was a little kid's smile and made him seem a bit less intimidating. Not that I was intimidated; I have a black belt in gift wrapping. Which, if you didn't know, makes me borderline invincible.

"There's such a thing?" Edward's earwax eyes were amused. I rolled my eyes. Of course there was such a thing as borderline invincible.

"No I mean the black belt in gift wrapping thing." I raised my eyebrows at him, then I did it in the Viqueen's direction when I heard her laughing. Her giggles tapered off to chuckles after about forty seconds.

"Yes, I'd show you but then I might have to teach you." Teaching. Eww. How do teachers manage it? It's one of the most annoying, tedious, migraine-inducing processes in existence. And I would know. Because I can see how I affect my teachers when they try to learn me stuff. And they become annoyed, snappy, and complain of headaches. Which I don't really understand because who wouldn't want to teach?

My reverie was hijacked by Edward's chortling. Chortle. What a pretty word.

"We're gonna go upstairs and visit the Psychic and her Side-Kick." Edward grabbed my hand as Viqueen and Behemoth wandered away. We approached a flight of fantastically large and terrifying stairs. I eyed them and calculated my chances of making it up without dying and tempting the vampires with my blood.

It wasn't looking so good.

And then, before I could take the first dreaded crawl, Edward had swept me up into his beautiful, cold, nice-smelling, extremely uncomfortable arms. But I didn't care, snuggling was still allowed. We ascended the stairs and I smiled up at him gratefully when we made it all the way to the top without a catastrophe. He led me down a hallway towards this high-pitched squealing noise.

_Is that a guinea pig?_

"No, it's an Alice." He chuckled.

"What do you mean by _it_?" The squeaky thing squeaked. And then we were entering this really big room with a really big door and a really big bed and really big walls and really big windows. And in the middle of all the bigness stood a really tiny chick. With spiky black hair.

"Tooth Fairy!" She grimaced.

"I thought I told you my name was Alice." She sighed.

"She also goes by Sasquatch." Edward quipped. Sasquatch leveled him with a deathly glare.

_Oooo you're in trouuubbbllleee…_

Sasquatch snapped back to me and gave me a gleaming white smile. Nobody has teeth that perfect.

"Are you sure you're not the Tooth Fa-" she held up her hand and I shut up. She could shoot laser beams at me with that dainty little palm.

"Alice. Just Alice. And if you and Edward would keep the cavernous holes beneath your noses closed for a second, I could explain to you all about what needs explaining.

"She means your mouth." I stopped sending Edward panicked thoughts about the apparent hole in my face.

Just Alice motioned for us to sit, so I did. Edward leaned against the doorway. She backed up and reclined on her gargantuan bed before a yellow blur came through the window and sat her on its lap. It was a person, or vampire should I say. And Jeesh did he move fast.

"This is Jasper, my mate." I waved at the stony dude and wondered what she meant by mate. Like primate? Even I could see that he wasn't a primate.

"Eternal boyfriend." Edward whispered. Wow, this mind reading thing was extremely convenient.

"Jasper, Bella. Bella, Jasper. Now that we have introductions out of the way let's get to the point. Yes my family is made up of vampires, and that includes-" But I had stopped paying attention because at just that moment a stream of sunlight came pouring through her needlessly large windows and illuminated the vampire before me. It was like staring at a rainbow. He was so, _so_ sparkly. I smiled joyously and leaped at him, catching his fairy dust form in a tight hug.

"You _are_ the shiny kind!"

**And now she will never,**

_**EVER, ever**_

_Let you go._

Unless of course my arms fall off.

* * *

If you review and if you enjoy

I'll have Santa send you some toys

But if you read and do not share

the opinions of your soul

I'm afraid the fat man will deliver only coal


	9. I Am Not Rabid

"Bella? Belllla? Hello? Earth to Bella?" Edward had finally managed to pry my arms off of him and was talking to me. But I wasn't really listening; I was too focused on watching his pretty self and his pretty skin in the pretty light. He. Was. So. Shiny.

Need. Touch.

"Edward _do_ something! She's foaming at the mouth!" Just Alice squeaked. The Eternal Boyfriend said something about rabies and I snapped out of it.

"I am not rabid!" I shrieked at him. He put his hands up like he was surrendering. But his expression stayed neutral. Jerk.

"What's your name again?" My voice went from elephant mad to sugar sweet. He looked wary before saying Jasper with this boring little southern drawl. Hick. Hillbilly. I bet you wear long johns and eat squirrels. Rabid squirrels. Not rabid Bellas.

Edward was lying on the ground, shaking in laughter.

Alice and Jasper stared at him like he was mental. I pounced. Figuratively of course.

"Okay _Bitchsper_, I am not a rabid animal. And you're one to talk, you hick." I glared. He looked surprised. Alice was chuckling and Edward was chocking on his giggles.

He stopped abruptly.

"I don't giggle." He said. Jasper chuckled.

"You so do, man. Like a little girl."

"Nobody asked for your opinion Jizz-spurt." I said, keeping my eyes on Edward. And then the shiny distracted me again. I was catatonic.

"Oh god, not again. Bella? Belllla?" He waved his hand in front of my face.

"I gave Mike Newton your phone number." That snapped me out of it. I looked at him, horrified, appalled, disgusted, disenchanted, terrified, ready to change my number-a-fied-

"Wait, you don't have my number."

"Yeah I know. I was just trying to save you before you slipped into a coma."

"I can't help it."

"I know. I'm shiny."

"It's so _pretty_."

"Hey nothing about me is pretty. I'm a big, strong, masculine-"

"Undead, seventeen year old teenager." Just Alice chipped in. I turned to her and saw that she'd duct taped Assper's mouth shut. Ew. Kinky.

Edward giggled again.

"Okay, now that my idiotic husband can no longer interrupt me, and that Bella's attention in shortly focused on me, can you, dear brother, refrain from distracting her? No, Bella LOOK AT ME. I'll give you a cookie if you listen."

I folded my hands in my lap and focused.

"She wants a Lebkuchen cookie, whatever that is." Edward piped up, finally over his laughter. Alice glared at him before threateningly waving the role of duct tape in his direction. I shrieked and hopped in his lap in order to protect him. His mouth was _way_ too pretty to be taped up.

Edward didn't seem too uncomfortable. Well he didn't chuck me out the window at least.

"AS I was saying," Just Alice continued, "my family is made up of vampires. That includes myself, Jazzy, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, and Carlisle and Esme." I counted off on my fingers. I'd met Just Alice, Edweird, Viqueen, Behemoth, and Jizzy already. But not Car-aisle or Esmay yet.

"You guys have weird names." I praised. Edward snorted.

"You have weird nicknames." He added. It was true. And I loved myself for it. And it was awesome that he noticed.

The undead are awesome. Except for the Dickspers out there.

Edward's laughter shook me. I relaxed back into him and he wrapped his arms around me. It was like cuddling with a freezing block of ice. But I was still happier than a clam. And clams are abnormally happy.

"I suppose you've noticed our golden eyes?" Just Alice asked. Freakishly yellow eyes? Check.

"That's because we drink the blood of animals instead of people." She explained. I smiled.

"So, you guys are even weird in the vampire world? Awesome!" Could this family get any cooler? Well, Edward could drink plant blood. Then he'd be a freak amongst freaks. That's as awesome as you get!

"No Bella. I'm freakish enough as it is." I pouted. He would see reason some day.

"We also have special 'powers' I guess. Edward reads minds, I see into the future, and Jasper here can manipulate emotions." Hmm.

"Is that so? Prove it." I challenged Junk-squirt. He stared me down with his freaky eyes.

And then, all of a sudden, I wanted to hug him.

Oh my good Eggo-stealing gnome. It was true!

"Stop!" I shrieked, clutching Edward in an attempt to resist, "I don't want to be friends with Pricksper!" Edward chuckled and the horrible temptation died away. My hatred returned.

I panted, watching the smiling bastard as his headlight eyes twinkled happy. He was enjoying himself. Stupid douche.

"Wow, I've never heard you swear before Bella." Edward whispered. I stuck my tongue out at him. I was close enough to lick him… but I did have an ounce of self control so I kept it in my mouth. Haha.

Edward gaped again.

"I think we can add fish to your past lives." I mused.

I looked over to the bed to find that Just Alice and her Side-Shit were missing. Edward stood and pulled me up with him.

"I think I'll take you on a tour of the house." He said.

I want my cookie.

"You'll get your cookie. But tour first." I stomped my foot.

"Alice is looking up the recipe right now."

"Yeah, and what the hell is this? _Clover?_ Ugh, humans." Just Alice's squeak jogged up the stairs and tapped my ear. I smiled. Mmm, clover. I closed my eyes, imagining it. But instead of imagining I ended up feeling dizzy and when I opened my eyes I was in a different room.

"Yes!" I screeched. "I've teleported!" Finally my lifelong dreams have been realized. I am invincible now, can go anywhere by will! I am weird now! Yay! Woohoo! Let's go celebrate in Venice!

Venice, Venice, Venice…

"Uh Bella-"

Shut up Edward. For once in my life I'd rather not hear your obnoxiously perfect voice. Venice, Venice, Venice…

"You didn't teleport Bella, I carried you here." And my dreams went up in flames.

"What. The. Hell? Edward?"

"I just thought-"

"No. You didn't _think._"

"Well how was I supposed to know-"

"You can READ MINDS. REMEMBER?"

"Yeah, but you started thinking that after I put you down."

"Then you should've explained it to me before I got all excited."

He sighed. I huffed. He crossed his arms and looked down at me from his skyscraper height. I glared up at him and stomped my foot in emphasis.

"What did I say about stomping?" Just Alice asked from about two floors down. I ignored her. It was Edward I was dealing with.

His earwax eyes softened.

"Look, I'm sorry. But I never know what to expect with you. You just do the most outrageous, unpredictable, completely abnormal things. And I can read your mind but even then I'm abysmally confused. Okay? So I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to think you teleported."

My eyes went shiny with tears. That was the nicest apology ever. He called me outrageous, unpredictable, and abnormal; all in one sentence! Well, at least he knows how to sweet talk a girl.

I tapped his folded arms and he unfolded them, confused until I walked in and hugged him. My favorite brick wall. He chuckled and hugged me back.

"So do you accept my apology?" He asked, like the answer was already obvious.

"No. Because an apology is never complete if the injured party doesn't get revenge first."

"You are _so_ weird."

"I try."

**Trust us, she tries.**

_**Makes it her mission in life…**_

_Won't give up until it's accomplished…_

**Yeah. She **_**tries.**_

* * *

If you haven't already, check out my oneshot for the Pick a Pic Challenge. Objects in Motion. If you have time, and the inclination, please vote for me at .com. Voting Ends January 15th!

Thanks guys! I love y'all.


	10. Diabolical Plots

Hey guys! Just wanted to say, I think my body naturally produces meth. That's the only explanation I have.

And yes, Lebkuchen cookies do exist.

* * *

The sun was out; it was so beautiful, so enchanting, and so rare in Forks. Beautiful, wonderful sunshine lighting up the world and making everything sparkle and seem pretty.

I sat in the darkest corner of my room and hissed.

I hate the sun.

I stared moodily out at the offending light. Go pick on some other rainy civilization you stupid ball of fire! I hope you can hear me mentally hating you from a bazillion miles away, or whatever the distance is.

**I believe that it's around 94,075,000 miles. Or at least that's the distance at midnight.**

_**It's not midnight, you dork.**_

_Obviously telling time isn't one of his finer talents._

…

**One day I'll get you. I'll get you **_**both.**_

I sighed and increased the frequency of my internal screaming. But the sun stayed outside my window and rainbows continued to fly out of little children's butts and unicorns pranced around the neighborhood.

Or at least that's how Charles seemed to view the world.

"Isn't it a beautiful day?" he beamed at me, hands on hips.

"I hope your chocolate factory melts." His smile didn't falter.

"Woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

"No, _Chuckles, _I woke up in the middle." I said through gritted teeth. He gave me a wary look before sidling cautiously out the door.

"Sunlight is synonymous for skin cancer!" I screeched. I heard the tires of his car squeal as he booked it.

I folded my arms across my chest and stomped my foot.

The phone rang.

"Yes Just Alice?"

"Don't stomp your foot."

"Where's my cookie?"

"Edward has it." I could hear her smirking.

"I hate you." I hung up.

Today was bound to be a terrible day. Edward wouldn't be at school today because he was self conscious about his sparkly-ness. Ridiculous, I know, but he was.

My phone rang again.

"Bella, I can't go to school today."

"I want my cookie. And yes you can."

He sighed. Then grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Sparkles…_not _normal. Meaning not _good_."

Lies. All lies.

"Here, how about you come over after? I'll give you the cookie then."

"Okay." I smiled before hanging up. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

I was about as wrong as Paris Hilton. Which is as wrong as one can go.

The sun burned my eyes when I tried to glare at it. Then it made the front seat of my car really hot and I got burned. Then the Newt squelched my way in all his amoeba glory to tell me how pretty my hair looked in the sunlight. Then, to cheer myself up, I got a ruler out and started beating him. Until a teacher saw me. She started yelling at me but then got abnormally quiet when I started explaining why I hit him.

"He complimented you." She sounded confused. I decided to enlighten her.

"Sexual assault- in the eye of the beholder."

"What's your name again?"

"Isabella Swan. I spend my free time at the station with my Daddy."

She smartly walked away.

But even then I was depressed. Because Edward wasn't around. My pretty, beautiful, vampire Edward. I moped around all day. And then the bell rang and I sprinted to my truck. And I fell. A lot. But I didn't care.

I wanted my cookie.

And my Edward.

The speed limit said 25 but I added on a zero to the end and voila I was at the supernatural abode in record time.

"Edwarrrrrrrrrrd!" I yelled, running towards the house and into the kitchen. Where is he, where is he, where is he-

**Cookie.**

_**Forget about Edward.**_

_Lebkuchen!_

On the counter was my cookie. And I was almost there when Edward appeared at the door. And then he was in front of me. Which would have been great.

If he weren't a stone wall keeping me from my cookie.

I snarled at him. He raised his perfect little eyebrow.

"What do you say?" He asked.

"Move."

"Nuh-uh."

"Be afraid. Be very, very afraid."

He chuckled.

"Manners, Bella."

Don't make me bite you.

"I won't feel it. Now what do you say?" He stared me down with those crazy, hypnotic, annoyingly perfect eyes.

I bit him.

He stared at me incredulously, but not like he was in pain. However, _my_ teeth hurt. It was like taking a chomp off an iceberg. Or attempting to anyway. I let go, disconsolate and mollified.

He eyebrowed me again.

"Please." I grumbled. He smiled, which dazed me even further as he stepped out of my way. And after a moment to pull Team Brain together I pounced. And devoured.

"I've been waiting _days_ for that!"

"You asked for it yesterday."

"Then I should've gotten it_ yesterday_."

Don't patronize me. I had a rough day.

He grinned down at me, then picked me up and sat me on the counter.

"There, now we're almost eye-level." I'm pretty sure I was melting.

"You know, for someone whose skin is abnormally cold, you're quite hot." I mused.

He threw his head back and laughed. Deep belly laughs that made me wonder if he had a bear hiding out in his stomach. Or the blood of one, so to say.

"Why would you think that?" He managed after about three minutes more of snort-laughing. So cute. The snort laugh, not the constant questions.

You tell me, mind reader.

He screwed up his eyes, rubbed his chin, and stared at me like I was a squirrel with a time bomb attached to my tail and he had to deconstruct me before I lost my nuts.

His eyes went really wide and he laughed again.

"What? What's so funny?" I screeched. I swear, this boy couldn't go three minutes in my presence without slowly losing his sanity. Do I emit laughing gas? Is that it? Or can vampires get high?

"You…you l-lost… your nuts!" He cackled. Well that's not nice. I'm not crazy or nuts. _You_ are, dear sir.

"Never mind," he gasped out. I huffed at him and slipped gracefully off the counter and onto my butt. I grred at him from my spot on the floor before scooting defiantly out the door. Very badass, not even standing up. What can I say? That's how I roll.

Or scoot. Depends.

"Aw, come back Bella! I didn't mean to laugh at you…" Liar, liar, pants on fire. I stopped real quick to see if his pants really had caught fire, which I would have loved (I'm a red blooded female girl with raging hormones, don't look at me like that) but sadly, no. How disappointing.

Edward was doing his whole "catching flies with my mouth" routine again. Jeez with that much practice you'd think his jaw was vertically challenged or something.

The perfect jaw itself snapped shut at that thought.

"Nothing about me is _challenged,_" he whined.

Except that find the scent of plant life saliva inducing.

"Um, yeah, except for that."

I put my nose up at him, stood, brushed myself off, and waited for him to stop strolling and hurry up already. A flash later, literally, he was at my side.

Edward. Bow.

Eyebrow went up.

I attempted to look down at him, which didn't really work, so instead I looked up at him. While telling him with my mind that I was really looking down.

Bow.

He rolled his eyes before bowing low and looking up at me. Then he quirked that danged eyebrow in the way he knew I couldn't.

"Your Highness?" I smiled. Good boy.

"I can't believe I'm being bossed around. Me; an indestructible, higher life form. By a five foot two, teenage girl." He grumbled.

I smiled triumphantly. You got that right.

"Okay, now that I've had my cookie I'm going to go plot how to get back at you for making fun of me and painfully slaughtering my most precious dreams." I piped cheerily. Edward sighed. He did that a lot.

"Fine, fine. Go hatch your crazy, diabolical plot. I don't care at the moment. I'm indestructible." I glared at him. Indestructible? We'll see. I jumped into my truck and drove away before a brilliant plan burst into my brilliant brain and was learned beforehand by Mr. Brilliant, Indestructible freak of a Vampire himself. Hmph, everything has a weakness.

"And I know Edward's!" A squeaky voice squeaked in my ear. I screamed, swerved, and almost hit a tree. But then a white hand shot out and steadied the wheel before I could kill any potential egg birthing plants.

"What the hell Just Alice!"

"It's Alice. _Just _Alice."

"Yeah. That's what I said."

"No, you said Just Alice, but it's-"

"Stop deflecting Just Alice and tell me why you almost made me an accomplice in your manslaughter plot."

"Rosalie was right. You are the oddest of humans."

"Thank you. Now explain."

"Okay, okay," she said, "I've been in the backseat the whole time but I thought you were ignoring me and I was too lazy to go all precognitive before jumping into the first seat and saying what I thought. Plus I was way too excited to tell you my plan, which is really your plan, well in the future, and yeah. Ta-da!"

"Do you breathe when you talk?"

"Well duh. But I don't need to breathe. Which is the whole point of this."

I didn't know what she was talking about. But I did. I'm just awesome like that.

"Does this involve revenge?"

"And diabolical plotting. Because Edward doesn't need to breathe, he just likes to. So you can make breathing, well, a bit unpleasant for him. Without killing him."

"Because, technically, he's already dead," I pointed out.

"Exactly! I knew I could count on your warped brain to understand! So we're going to need a gas mask and illegally obtained pure chlorine."

"Deal." We shook.

"Just Alice, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"Oh, don't I know it."

* * *

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	11. Bunny's Got the Gun

Disclaimer: Hi there. I don't own Twilight. Just a serious need for some kind of therapy.

Heh, heh. Have you ever watched Dora? Have you ever seen Swiper the fox? Let's pretend for a second that the fox is actually named Writer's Block and that I didn't say the magic words fast enough:

"Writer's Block no Blocking! Writer's Block no Blocking! Writer's Block NOOO- dammit." It's a mouthful to say in 1.5 milliseconds.

Sorry about that. But, I'm back. Until the Block foils my mental plans again. And boy, let me tell you; THEY. ARE.

MENTAL.

* * *

"Where, oh where can one illegally obtain chlorine gas?" I was sitting next to Eric Yorkie, sighing sadly to myself and glancing at him occasionally. You see, Eric is the president of the SCIENCE CLUB. An extremely exclusive club that is so V.I.P. it has to be spelled in all caps. It's the SCIENCE CLUB. Not the Science Club.

Yeah. It's pretty cool.

I've always wanted to be a part of it, because all the SCIENCE CLUB members are granted the status of "weird" upon acceptance. Seriously, it's a group of weird people. But I seem to be the only normal person who wants to get in. Everybody besides the people who wear those window things over their eyes (I think they're called glasses) say it's the worst place to go. According to Jessica, it's "social suicide". But Jessica's already weird. She doesn't need V.I.P. membership like little boring me. She has small arms and a big head like a T-Rex.

Eric was ignoring me, like he usually does. Apparently, he's too weird to talk to me.

Yeah, we'll see.

I adjusted the edge of my shirt, just like Lauren Mallory always does when she tries to get boys to do what she wants. Then I leaned forward with my arms crossed, making sure that my boobs were nice and squished together.

_That_ got his attention. What is it with boys and breasts?

"Hi Bella," he addressed Stacy and Maurice. That's what my mammary glands are called. I smiled, knowing he wouldn't see it. He was too focused on a point south of my face.

"Hey Eric. So I was, like, wondering, wouldn't it be cool if someone could find chlorine gas outside of like, a power plant, or, like, something?" Acting stupid? Check. Damsel in Distress voice? Check. Boobs in ignorant boy's face? Check and check.

All systems go.

"Like." I said it slowly one more time just for emphasis.

"Yeah, I can make chlorine. I actually have some with me. We were trying out the process the other day and uh…." His eyes went wider as I bent over more.

"You can have the jar if you would like!" He squeaked, eyes still trained on Maurice and Stacy. I giggled a high pitched, screechy kind of giggle that jiggled the girls a bit.

You know, just for emphasis.

He handed me the jar. I smiled.

"You might want to swipe at the shiny, slimy, saliva all over your snout."

You've just been alliterated. Go me.

The bell rang and I sauntered out of the class, the chlorine jar safely in my bag.

Then I sauntered my way right into the living, breathing, blood sucking, shiny wall of a vampire who could read my mind and who, at that moment, might learn all about what was in my bag.

"What's in the bag?" The eyebrow raised.

_Must…resist…_

Then he smiled. All crookedly. And dimply.

_Fiddlesticks._

"Haha, not anything that's potentially illegal or dangerous! Nope! _Definitely not. _And it's also definitely not-"

"Bella! What a surprise to see you here!" A small yet superbly strong hand grabbed me by the elbow and steered me away from the yummy looking Edward. I was pulled around a corner and, after about five minutes of walking, the body connected to the hand scowled at me.

"Hey Just Alice," I grinned shakily and fanned myself. She glared.

"Wipe the sweat off your forehead. And get your act together, woman! You almost ousted yourself!" I waved her off.

"He_ eyebrowed_ me Just Alice! I couldn't resist!" Her scowl got deeper, which didn't make sense because how can scowls be deep? I mean, yeah, they create little, unattractive lines in your skin after a while, and yeah, they can be kind of deep, but-

"Bella. Snap out of it."

"Sorry. Can't help it. Comes with being normal." I grimaced. Just Alice rolled her eyes. How does she _do _that? I've tried it before, but all it gave me was a headache.

"You, of all people, are not normal." I beamed. I knew I liked her for a reason.

"Okay, so we know the plan?"I nodded confidently. I knew exactly what to do. Maybe. I think so. Most probably, definitely. Yeah. I knew.

Wait.

"Just Alice? _What_ plan? There ISN'T a plan. I was just supposed to get the," I looked left and right for a bronze haired god, "the _you know what_! We never went over anything else!" She nodded and I figured, whatever, she can see the future. I'll just follow her lead. These things have a way of working themselves out.

Okay, maybe not. I just heard that somewhere and thought it would sound cool in my mind.

"Alright, so step one is successful I take it? Eric handed over his package?" I sighed and went along with the crazy fortune teller. The pitfall of being weird? It makes life for normal people so much more difficult. Also known as me.

"Yes, it's in my very capable hands and is deriving much pleasure from its location at the moment." Her eyes went really wide and she started giggling maniacally. I cocked my head to the side; what was so funny?

"What's so funny?" She just waved her hand at me and snorted something along the lines of "Eric's package….pleasure…handling…"

Uh, can we speak in full English sentences please? My brains go a bit bonkers when they don't get what's going on.

_Hah! She said _we_ go bonkers! What a hoot!_

_**We**_** know what's going on. Smirk.**

_**Did you just say smirk?**_

**Well I don't really have a body, do I genius? We're imagining my feathered magnificence smirking right now. You can't see it, so I say it in order for you to picture it.**

_**Thank god**__ we can't see it. I'm imagining sticking a paper bag over the horrific image you've provided my consciousness with._

I frowned at them mentally

"Stop bickering."

"Huh?" Just Alice asked, not being able to understand that I was conversing with myself seeing as she couldn't read my mind like Edward could. Oh, that boy. Or can he really be called a boy? Since he's like one hundred and seventeen years old? PLUS he's a vampire and vampires aren't _boys_. They're _males_.

That's a huge difference.

"Just talking to myself." Just Alice shrugged and tugged me harder towards the school's exit as the bell rang. I skipped ahead of her. The sound of the bell always triggered my euphoric tendencies.

"No more school today! What a beau-" (I dragged that bit out), "-tiful day! Off I go into the wilderness! Bring along my chlor-" Alice's hand slapped over my mouth, puncturing my wonderful song. How dare she! I was just at the good part!

"Vampire hearing, remember?" I grumbled into her hand and pouted. Yeah I remembered, didn't mean she had to virtually smack me in the face with her marble slate of a hand.

We got through the door and Alice led me over to my truck, where she patted me on the arm, dropped a gas mask in my bag, and whispered "Good luck. Don't fuck it up." My good mood had been deflated. What would I fudge up? I knew I needed the gas mask, but what for?

I scowled at her as deeply as I could and drove away, narrowly missing her as I pulled angrily from the parking lot. Why couldn't she tell me the plan? Why did I have to figure it out on my own?

I pulled myself from these depressing thoughts and saw my IPod sitting cheerily in its holder. One push to the play button had my favorite song in all the world blaring out the windows as I pulled into Edward's driveway. Which wasn't exactly where I had been aiming to go at first, but seemed to have subconsciously driven towards. I shrugged. Eh. I'd get to see the Pretty One. All would be well.

So I kept singing.

"I JUST HAD SEEEEEX! AND IT FEEELLLT SO GOOOD! A WOMAN LET ME PUT MY PE-"

"Bella?" I looked up, annoyed to have my beautiful voice cut off before I realized that it was Edward interrupting me. It was okay if it was Edward interrupting me. He was too pretty to be mad at.

And I quite adored that wide eyed expression of his that he wore around me all the time. Probably from him being in awe of my awesomeness.

Or my normalness. Which was _negatively _awe inspiring.

"Why are you goggling at me?" What a wonderful word. Goggling.

"Why are you screaming at the top of your lungs that you just had sex? And with WHO?" He looked really mad for some reason. Then I looked over and saw that my IPod had died in the middle of my serenade.

"Are you jealous?" I teased. He scowled.

"No."

"It was a song. Want to sing it with me?" He looked a little less angry. I would love for him to sing with me. Especially the part of the song where they're all talking about turtlenecks and chains.

I'd let Edward do me with a turtleneck and chain.

_He. Reads. Minds. Remember?_

Oh yeah.

I looked into the dinner plate eyes again. Such big eyes you have, grandmother! Little Red Riding Hood, that's me! Except I was talking about a vampire. And he could be my grand father, not mother. Although he was way, way, _way_ too hot to be an old person.

His eyes got even rounder. I huffed and rolled my own.

"You have _got_ to know by now how weirdly beautiful you are. Why do you still get surprised?" I was genuinely curious, which was weird for me.

Weird. Huh. Maybe the Cullens were a good influence after all!

Edward just shook his head and looked so much like a trodden on (though indestructible) puppy that I couldn't help but run up to him and pinch his cheek. Then scowl at him when my fingers started to ache.

He grinned.

"Whoops." He said all deep and velvety like a scarf or, or… or like _chocolate_.

"Mmmm chocolate…." And then, because he was so close and looked (sounded?) like the most delectable thing in the world, and because I was way too weak to NOT give in to him, I leaned forward and kissed him.

_You taste like cotton candy._

I felt him smile against my lips again, which made me pout, because, if you didn't already know, it is rather bothersome trying to kiss someone who is smiling. Their lips get really thin and all you get is teeth. Or fangs, in my case.

But I persevered, emboldened by the fact that this perfect specimen wasn't allergic to my normalness like everyone else in the world (sans the Newt) and he hadn't pulled back. He was kissing me too!

_Swoon._

_**TONGUE! WE WANT TONGUE!**_

I listened to my female fowl ovaries and started projecting their demands to Edward. He smiled again. And chuckled a bit.

Which caused his mouth to open. I all but dove in.

_**Holy. Effing. Hell. He tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers!**_

_Marry us. Please. We want to have your babies. _

Can vampires even have babies?

Edward was no longer smiling. I opened my eyes a bit to see that his were closed, and that his brow was all furrowy and he looked so darn cute. And he was still kissing me. So I closed my eyes again.

And then….. I passed out.

Yes, I forgot to breathe. So sue me. I'm talking to you, reader.

Wait, WHAT did you say?

Listen, buster, you wouldn't have fared any better if YOU were making out with the hottest piece of Y-chromosome in the universe!

Which you weren't. So ha.

Oh yeah, I went there-

"Bella!"

The most gorgeous voice in the universe was a tiny bit shrill as it pulled me out of unconsciousness. I woke up like I was coming out of an exorcism, all flailing limbs and high pitched groaning noises. When I had finally calmed down and taken inventory of my slightly changed scenery, I found myself sitting in a meadow. With an exasperated vampire sitting next to me.

"_How _did you forget to breathe?" I shrugged, not really paying attention. Something was tugging at the back of my mind. Something diabolical that had to do with breathing…

"Why am I in a meadow?"

"Alice told me to take you here, because waking up in the driveway would make you feel embarrassed and you'd avoid me for a few days." Yes, waking up on concrete tended to do that to one. Whereas waking in a meadow made me feel like Sleeping Beauty, which was much less mortifying.

I did not pass out.

I've been asleep for a hundred years and a kiss from the lovely undead gentleman woke me from my coma from hell.

I nodded to myself. That sounded MUCH better.

"And," Edward went on, "I don't really want you to avoid me." He looked so freaking cute when he said that, that I almost felt bad for what I was about to do.

Then again, I was a stubborn lass. And revenge would be mine!

"What?" Edward's voice was a little squeakier than usual. Most likely due to the fact that I had found my bag to still be in my possession and had whipped out the mask and chlorine.

I grinned.

"Not so funny when the bunny's got the gun, is it, Mr. _Indestructible_?"

And then I sprayed the yellow-green gas right in his face.

Cough. Hack. Cough.

Golden eyes with the glare of a thousand suns.

Shucks. I guess I forgot one _tiny_ little unimportant detail.

_He _might have been indestructible. But _I _wasn't.

"Just Alice!"

*DDGS*

"I can't _believe_," cough, cough, "the _nerve_ of you! You're- choke- almost as bad as- hack, cough, splutter- _she_ is!"

"Edward, dear, don't overexert yourself."

"I wouldn't have to if you didn't," screechy violin sounds came out of his throat as he attempted to breathe, "give chlorine gas to the residential psycho!"

"Hey!" I said loudly from my spot behind Just Alice in the Cullen's living room, "I highly resent that! I am not a pysc-" My voice faltered under Edward's intense glare.

Heh, heh. Maybe it'd be best if I didn't piss him off anymore at the moment. Considering I had just sprayed toxic gas into his lungs. And the fact that I had just narrowly escaped his wrath thanks to the fortune telling Just Alice, who managed to pull me out of the meadow and run me back to her house before Edward could tug off my mask or something equally life threatening.

Yeah, maybe testing death once a day was enough for me.

"You baby," Just Alice mocked, "it'll wear off in a few hours or so. And look! I brought you some mountain lion blood! And I made sure to force feed the lion a bouquet beforehand. We just wanted to have some fun at your expense."

Edward grumbled and took the silver canister Alice offered him.

"You shouldn't have goaded her anyway. You know how Bella is."

Edward tried to laugh spitefully but went into another coughing fit. I stayed glued to Just Alice's side as he wandered out of the room, clutching his flowery blood and shooting dirty, though still outrageously hot, looks in my direction.

His last look was one of disgusted incredulousness.

"Yes, I still think you're hot! Remember that when you're done sulking and want to make out!" I couldn't tell for sure, but it looked like a little smile crept onto his face as he continued to skulk out of the room. Though admittedly with a bit of a hop in his step.

_He IS a seventeen year old, sexually frustrated, undead guy after all. _

_**I feel for him.**_

**What do you mean, you _feel_ for him? Like YOU'VE ever been in his situation…**

_**Exactly! I am a male piece of poultry living inside a crazy teenage girl's brain! I'll never get a chick. And don't even get me STARTED on the things I must endure.**_

_You mean, __**WE**__ must endure. Like __**THAT**__ time of the month?_

**WE MADE A PACT NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT. YOU ARE BREAKING THE PACT!**

_**THAT PACT WAS MADE FOR A REASON! WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT!**_

Thank god for that.

I heard wheezy laughter from the other room. Edward, you sly dog. Stop reading my mind or I'll project my thoughts on what it's REALLY like to be a girl. With a menstrual cycle.

The door slammed shut and I saw a flash of bronze through the window that seemed to be dashing in the direction of the forest.

Just Alice snickered.

"Well, Bella," she smiled slyly and patted me on the back with her sledgehammer hand, "I think you deserve a reward."

"Lebkuchen!"

"No. You've already had your foul cookie. I'm offering something better."

"Impossible. Unless you're offering me _two _Lebkuchens. And/or a contract written in blood promising me the assassination of Michael Fucking Newton." His middle initial is F. Fucking, Fugly, Fucker, or Freaky would be some rational possibilities for a middle name.

I don't suppose his parents could like him anymore than I did. Which was a whole freaking not a lot.

"Um, no. I don't have either of those. I have something even _better_," she held up her hand to quiet my disbelieving words. Which were very disbelieving and disapproving, because how could ANYTHING be better than the death of Mike F. Newton? HOW?

_I'm boggled too._

"I'm inviting you to the next Cullen baseball game!"

Crickets chirped through the silence.

"Edward will be there. In baseball pants. Tight, muscle-hugging baseball pants."

"I'm in." The thought of those succulent, powerful thighs and pert backside encased in pants that would showcase all their lean, juicy, long-legged glory had me salivating.

A muffled squeak came from outside the front door. Then a bronze haired god went running up the stairs at vampire speed.

"Where you going?" I called, my eyes trying to catch sight of that perfect body that I had so many plans in mind for. If I could ever get my hands on it. Oh, the things I would do…

"Cold shower." Came the wheezy reply. Just Alice giggled. I didn't get it.

I didn't usually get stuff. It frustrated me.

Oh freaking well. I could deal.

I had baseball pants to caress and stroke in my near future.

Just Alice huffed as another hoarse, high-pitched wheeze drifted down the stairs.

"Edward, stop it with your squeaking! Are you done with puberty or not?"

* * *

Poor, poor Edward. All I can say is-

BRING ON THE BASEBALL PANTS!

AND the reviews!


	12. Vampires Suck Balls

**Onwards, we trek! Into the wild unknown of Bella Swan's mentally instable mind! Be warned, this is a dangerous, confusing, ridiculous place. You have been warned. Now heed.**

**Or heel. Whichever. I could do with a slave or two. **

**Disclaimer: I fell in love with Edward Cullen. SUE ME. Just kidding, ehm, yeah, I own thees plot. And I OWN. SM is entitled to everything else.**

* * *

Ch. 12: Vampires Suck Balls

I had been looking forward to this occasion for all my life. This moment, above all others, would be a gift to me. You know, like a good kind of Karma. The Bible's all about giving good stuff to the people who suffer in the world. I suffer because I'm normal and everyone else is weird.

_This _moment is where I finally get my reward for never being understood.

Edward had on baseball pants.

Tight, thigh-and-buttock-hugging baseball pants. Tight enough to show off those gorgeous muscles every time he moved, and that ass I wanted to bite into. I wanted to touch, grab, and never let go. Instead, I drooled.

"Wipe off your saliva." Just Alice murmured. I ignored her and continued to leer. Edward squirmed. We were sitting in the back of the Behemoth's behemoth Jeep; I was on the right, Just Alice was in the middle, and Edward was on the left. I had really, really, really wanted to sit next to him, if only to touch his baseball pants. But NOOO, Just Alice had to keep us separated with her super strength and vampy powers.

What. A. Jerk.

Honestly, I just wanted my heavenly payment in the form of my heavenly Edward's yummy lower half.

Edward squeaked again. He was doing that a lot lately.

Emmett guffawed. Or laughed really deeply. Laughing deeply was a guffaw, right? I know a chuckle's a friendly laugh, and a giggle was a silly, high-pitched, annoying laugh, and a chortle was a wet, snorting laugh, and a snicker was a mean laugh, and a laugh was a laugh, and so a guffaw had to be a deep laugh. Or was it a chortle was deep, and snicker was high pitched, and-

"Bella." Edward stared me down, his voice still a little hoarse even though he'd been sprayed with chlorine _two whole days ago_. Prima Donna.

"Yeah?"

"A guffaw's a deep laugh. You had it right the first time, so stop thinking in circles and annoying me."

"Wait," said Just Alice, "a guffaw's a loud laugh, not a _deep _laugh. And the opposite of that's a chuckle, which is a quiet laugh."

"Really?" I asked, "I thought a chuckle was friendly. So what's a snicker?"

"It's a mean laugh," piped the Behemoth. I nodded smugly. That's what I thought.

"Then what's a chortle?"

"A gleeful laugh."

"And a giggle?"

"It's a snickering laugh."

"But a snickering laugh is a snicker!"

"No, it's a giggle. Didn't I just say that?"

"Don't forget cackle! That's a loud laugh."

"But I thought a guffaw was a-"

"WHO CARES?" Edward roared.

I snickered. Just Alice giggled. Behemoth guffawed.

"Oh, shut up." Frustratedward muttered.

"And my name's not Frustratedward, it's-"

"Sex- Eddie." Emmett snickered that time. Or did he giggle?

"Bella…" Edward growled at me. I shrugged my shoulders. What did he expect? With so many combinations of laughter how was I _not _supposed to be confused?

And I didn't mind him growling at me. Him growling was hot. _He_ was hot (although, technically, he was very cold). Especially with the baseball pants on.

And we had come full circle again. Me drooling, and Edward looking like he was in pain.

Thankfully, we had finally arrived in Narnia or whatever other mysterious place we had to drive forty miles to. I slid out of the car quite ungracefully and ran after Edward, pulled in by the mesmerizing power of the PANTS. Not the pants, the PANTS. But, alas, he was too fast for me, too fickle for me, too wide-eyed at my seductive (to be sure) expression. He ran away. And I stood pouting at the newly materialized home plate.

"Why so sad?" The mommy vampire asked.

"Edward won't let me molest him." I whined. She looked a little wide eyed for a moment, which made her seem very much like Edward's actual mother. But then she started laughing. Usually Edward just gaped at me after his wide eyes came into play.

"How disappointing for you both." She said, grinning at me. I nodded, glad she agreed.

"Do you have an umbrella?" Mompire asked. I shook my head no and she sighed, grumbling under her breath as she stomped over to Edward and admonished him.

"No umbrella! No raincoat! Just a measly sweater! _What_ were you thinking? And no bug spray for her either… she'll be eaten alive! Do you have _any_ idea how many mosquitoes are around here?" Now that last one I found funny.

Mosquito repellant? _Really_? When I was currently in the company of eight of the largest, deadliest mosquitoes on the planet?

I just couldn't stop laughing after thinking about that. Vampsquitoes- the big, bad-ass, bloodsucking bugs. Emmett with feelers was a particularly hilarious image.

The seven, non-winged, fanged, pseudo-bugs stopped and stared at me as I fell to the ground in convulsions.

"What's wrong with her?" I heard Emmett ask, a fearful note in his voice. Which made me laugh even harder.

"She's imagining you with feelers, Em." Edward choked out, trying his best not to laugh with me.

Confused silence.

"Esme's rant about… mosquito repellant," he laughed, "made her think about how she was with eight giant mosquitoes, for all intents and purposes. Vampsquitoes, to be exact. And she started imagining Emmett as a vampsquito…" He couldn't continue talking at that point. Instead, he joined in with me on the hysterics.

Silence in the clearing.

"God, they were made for each other, weren't they?" So sayeth the Viqueen. Who had just become my most favorite person ever.

"You have _no_ idea." Just Alice whispered ominously. Jas-lurk just sighed and shook his head. I glared at him through my laughter.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and stood shakily to look at all seven of them, Edward included, looking stoic and creepy. The Viqueen's comment must have stopped him from laughing. Because he was in denial, and denialists are like high druggies- being brought back to reality gives them the shakes.

I sighed.

_Why are you fighting this so hard? _I thought to him, giving him my best bitch glare. He looked away, grimacing.

_Giving in would be so much easier for you, and me, and your PANTS. _I grinned, staring at those powerful thighs. He gulped. Stupid Edward, why couldn't he just _act_ like the teenage boy he was, if only for a moment? Which, incidentally, would have been enough time for me to get my hands on those PANTS of his.

"Eh, maybe we should get the game started." Esme announced from Carly's side.

A blur of movement later and everyone was in position. Including Mompire, who had taken upon herself the liberty of being my guardian.

"I'm the ump." She stated proudly. Ump, funny word. Not much of a position to be proud of.

But hey, who am I to argue with a life size mosquito?

"Good for you!" I managed with a smile, before turning to the game, wanting to see Edward's tightly clad ass again.

Which, it seems, just wasn't in the cards for me. Because he was in the outfield and I had really bad vision. He was just a white, ginger blur to my inferior eyesight. I pouted, sulked, and slouched, disappointed that my lusty needs were being unfulfilled. Then there was water on my nose. The Mompire pulled up my hood before pointing my bewildered expression up towards the sky.

It was raining.

Awesome.

I sighed dejectedly. Then something exploded nearby, causing me to jump out of my skin. Well, not literally. That would just be messy. Skin is like a container, holding all the messy, gross, bloody organs inside of the body. If I jumped out of my skin for real, I'd be a red, cellular puddle of gore.

After this amazing and slightly sickening observation, I turned my attentions towards figuring out what the hell had me un-technically jumping out of my largest organ.

"Thunder! And a baseball being hit!" A faint, masculine, delicious voice called, originating solely from the singular, socially isolated ginger standing in the field and reading my mind.

"Shut up Red!" I screeched, still a bit bitter about the fact that he was hiding his PANTS from my sights. I couldn't tell for sure, but the blurry figure seemed to smirk at me. I grumbled.

"Red? Oh that's priceless! I keep forgetting that you're a ginger, Edward!" Jerksper roared with mirth. My bitterness faded as Edward's increased.

"I am not a ginger!" He yelled.

"My hair's just… auburn!"

_Yeah, and I'm just… weird. Yeah right._

Edward looked like he was about to say something else but then Just Alice started screaming and running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I was unsure as to whether or not this was how one played the game of baseball. If Charles could hear me right now he'd probably disown me. Or feed me to the Newt. Baseball was his other, favorite child. And a complete mystery to me.

"They're coming! They're coming!" she screeched.

And before I could even ask who, I was in the arms of my very own favorite vampire.

_Oh my god. The PANTS! They're right behind me!_

**That's seriously all she can think about right now?**

I swiveled my hips a bit, trying to turn around. But all Edward did was grunt and hold me closer. I was just about to grab his thigh with my hand; I figured I had nothing to lose, when something blonde and creepy was suddenly right in front of my face.

"Hello," the thing crooned, which I then realized was a guy. Or, more, accurately, a vampire. He would have been hot if it weren't for the way he was smiling at me. He reminded me of a clown.

I hated clowns.

"Hi." I said back, doing my best to seem brave and not imagine him with lipstick, face paint, and a large red wig.

"What's your name? And oh, you smell good." I smiled at him cautiously. Was this like some standard vampire greeting? Maybe he didn't know I was a human.

I was just about to answer him when Edward started growling. In a flash, I felt one hand twitch around me and saw the blonde fly back. As his creepy face left my vision, the rest of the field was visible. The blonde was standing up, looking like someone had stolen his candy, and he was standing next to an equally creepy redhead.

"Oh my god! It's a ginger plague!" I screeched, finding the situation suddenly hilarious.

Two gingers were in a field… it sounded like the beginning of a really lame joke. I started laughing.

"Is something wrong with her?" the creepy blonde asked. I seemed to have this question asked about me a lot. Edward growled.

"No she's perfectly fine." He bit out. I snuggled happily into his embrace, my laughter dying out.

"Yeah, I'm _fi-ine_," I giggled. The blonde thing leered.

"Oh, and my name's Bella. It means beautiful, which kind of sucks, don't you think? I have a lot to live up to. Not to mention my last name's Swan… Beautiful Swan. Like, what the hell? What kind of corny idiot would do that?" I tried my best to make small talk. Because small talk is my favorite thing to make. It is tiny, cute, and blue. Like Smurfs. Big talk sucks; it is the last resort of egomaniacs and the boring.

The blonde's leering leaked away from his face to be replaced by boredom (see? A Boring Person!). He yawned.

How rude. And then he started talking Big Talk, like the pathetic, egocentric, son of a bitchin' bastard that he was.

"I thought you were something special, to be surrounded by so many of us powerful beings," what a pompous ass, "but I can see from your babbling that you're just a normal, ordinary human, content with filling silences with inane chatter and inconsequential details about your idle life." He glanced at Edward, who'd let go of my arms and taken a step back.

The blonde looked confused. I was too busy being extraordinarily pissed off to notice the smirk on Edward's face.

"This'll be priceless…" I heard behind me.

"Hey, you glorified bug! Look at me right now! You have no right to call me normal. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but it's not up to a repulsive, boring centenarian like you to decide! So shut your face! Oh, and powerful beings? Are you _kidding_ me? Do you think you're _special_? How about cool? You sparkle like a unicorn! Wow, how terrifying! You're just a big, sparkly, fairy princess mosquito with shit for brains and a creepy smile to match! Suck on that, Barbie." Then, for emphasis, I stomped over to his shocked self and bit him. Hard. And even though I felt like my teeth were breaking, I was positive that my point had been made.

The rain fell in rivulets down his dumb face.

"Oh, James, can we _keep_ her? She's so delightfully odd!" the redhead exclaimed, petting my hooded head. I disengaged my teeth and smiled at her, liking her instantly.

"Yeah _Jimmy_. I'm odd. Delightfully so." Jimmy didn't reply, just continued to stare at me with a wide-eyed expression.

"James!" the redhead whined. It wasn't very becoming. Especially when she grabbed his arm and started shaking it.

"I want to keep her! Can't we make her our pet? Please? Pretty please with a drop of blood on top?" She started jumping up and down, still shaking his arm like some kind of spoiled toddler. I stepped back, not wanting to get hit by Jimmy's flailing arm and the flying droplets of water from Vicky's bouncing red hair.

He snapped out of his shocked gaze and turned to the ginger with a frown.

"No, Victoria. We do not keep humans as pets. We eat them. But I feel like this one's mindset would taint her blood." I tried my best to figure out whether or not he was insulting me by saying that. Vicky pouted and fake cried.

"But. I. Want. Her!" She squealed. Jimmy rolled his eyes, grabbed her arm, sent one wary look in my direction, and high tailed it.

"No. Vicky, no human pets! I'll buy you a chinchilla!" Drifted back to me, Jimmy's voice sounding a bit high pitched and desperate.

"But I want _her_! And I WILL have her!"

Lightning flashed, thunder clapped, and rain continued to fall.

"Great," Edward groaned, "will life ever be easy with you around, Bella?"

I grinned, shook my head, and before he could stop me, grabbed hold of one of those titanium cheeks of his (the butt ones) and squeezed.

"Nope," Behemoth snorted, "but I don't think she minds it being _hard_, if you catch my drift."

* * *

**See ya next time I decide to update! I have a story line and everything, just give me time to get my circus act together. Buuuuuttt in case you feel like I don't update enough for you, I'll give you incentive:**

**There will be lions, leashes, leeches, kidnapping, strait jackets, old people, and floral perfume in the future!**


	13. I Hate to Do This But

Okay, I hate to do this to you guys, BUT.

I have a blog. And I want to share it. And I posted a teaser for the next chapter on there.

Incentive?

Anyway, eventually you shall find: Bella and Edward extras, quotes, funny pictures, a fuckawesome banner by Readergoof, and teasers. We all love teasers.

Anyway, the link is on my profile and, once again, I HAVE A TEASER FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER ALL UP ON THERE.

Oh, and I will alert you guys to when I'm updating, you know, if you go on the blog and all…

See ya soon suckers!


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